Goodbye

As I sit here in the quiet of nap time, the day after our visit to Ezra's orphanage and foster home, I am feeling just a little less raw about it all and hope that I can finally find the words (at least some of the words) to reflect on our time there in a way that preserves it all for him to cherish (or mourn) in the future.

We started our visit in Ezra's classroom.  At his orphanage, kids under 3 live in a 'classroom'.  This means that their beds are all together in the same area as their play room etc.  (We didn't get to see this room because we all had kids 3+.)  At age three (or thereabouts since Ezra transitioned when he was 2 1/2) they move into an apartment on campus with a foster family.  Each family has about 5-6 kids there at a time.  During the day, these older kids take a little trolley bus back over to the school building to attend 'kindergarten'.  As we made our way up towards their classroom, Ezra was perfectly at ease strutting through the hallway like he owned the place.  

He was the first one through the door when we got there and it was like he was a little celebrity.  :)  The teachers all surrounded him hugging him and taking his picture.  So cute!  I think he was quite popular among his ayi's.  :)

I definitely felt bad for the teachers and the other kids in the room because with our three families descending on them, it basically threw everything into chaos.  All the sweet teachers wanted to get one last picture with Ezra which was very sweet.  There was one little boy that simply broke my heart though.  He kept tugging on my hands wanting me to pick him up or take him with us too.  I don't know exactly what he was feeling in that moment but I felt so helpless when he started sobbing.  I am praying for his little heart and praying that his family finds him soon.

One of Ezra's foster sisters

This woman was Ezra's favorite teacher.  She was in all the pics that we saw of him before coming and was as sweet in person as I imagined from seeing her picture.  You could tell that she loved my boy very much and is really going to miss him.  I am not sure if she was supposed to or not but she asked me for my email and I was MORE than happy to give it to her.  I really hope she keeps in touch with us!!!

The classroom where he spent his days

After the craziness of the classroom, it was time to take a walk across campus to the apartment buildings.  I can't say enough good things about Hefei Social Welfare Institute.  The government in this province has poured a lot of money into this place and it really makes such a huge difference for the kids here.  The campus that they are on now is only four years old and very nice.  One Sky (nonprofit organization which is a sister program to Half the Sky) has come in and done training and support on bonding and attachment and what a big difference foster homes make for kids.  As part of the program, we even got a 'Life Book' for Ezra which is basically like a baby book documenting his life so far complete with a ton of pictures.  I can't tell you what a treasure that is to have!

Walking to the apartments

When we got up to where Ezra's apartment was, the door was open and as soon as he saw his foster mama, he went running straight into her arms and wrapped her up.  Her face was pure joy and it was a moment that will be etched into my heart forever.

Ezra was completely at home jumping around in the living room of their apartment.  His foster mom then had him help take us on a little tour and show us his room.

Living room

Dining room area with bathroom off to left


While we were in his room, we had the guide ask his foster mom if there were any special stories she wanted to share with us.  She told us that he was her favorite child and that she loved him very much.  She said that he always wanted to be close by her and wanted her to himself.  I can definitely see this in him in the ways that he leans into me, holds onto my hands and generally just melts me with his sweet snuggly-ness.  However, he might have a bit of a rude awakening when we get home and he has to share me with three other siblings!  So far, he doesn't really have a great reaction to other kids which makes me wonder how it is going to go with the other kiddos when we first get home.  I am definitely praying about that.

Showing us his bed

After our conversation in the bedroom, we went back out to take a few pictures when Ezra went over to their snack bowl asking for something.  She basically gave him everything he wanted and in the end, dumped the entire thing into a bag for him.  Then she went over to some other tins and started giving him other treats to take too.  We felt bad for her emptying out their snacks and really didn't want to take all their treats, but my mama heart held me back understanding that this was one last thing she could do for him.  If I were her, I would want to give him any last parting gifts as well and I just couldn't deny her that.

Treats from mama


After this, we made our way into the living room to take some pictures together.  

Two mama's and so much love

And then came the beautiful but truly heart wrenching moment.  As he was sitting on her lap, I could tell that she was telling him that it was time to go with his new 'mama' and 'baba'.  He kept shaking his head and saying no.  It made me sad but of course I understood because he is three years old and we are strangers and this woman is his source of comfort and love.  There is no way he should want to walk away from that.  She started gently talking to him.  I so desperately wish I knew what she was saying to him.  I know it had something to do with 'America' and mama and baba.  I have to imagine it was her way of giving him permission to let go and embrace his new forever.  That is was ok to move forward.  To be brave and that everything would be ok.  After she was through, her eyes glistening with tears but the same sweet smile on her face, he came to me and that was that.  It seemed to be the closure his little heart needed to move on.  Yes, I wish I knew what she said but at the same time, it was their moment together.  Their special goodbye that was shared between their two hearts only and that is something even more precious.   I am still emotional thinking about it and hope that I can carry the rawness of those moments to share with him when he is older.

We walked over to the door with Ezra in my arms and stood together.  I was willing my heart to somehow reach out to hers across the language barrier to let her know how much her love for our boy means to me.  To let her know that she will not be forgotten.  To assure her that this boy that has been part of her heart is walking into a family so full of love that he won't know what to do with it at first!  That he will be loved and cherished and safe forever.  All I could do was wrap the three of us in a hug to last us a life time and say 'thank you'.  Ezra gave her one final kiss and she smiled to try to keep back the tears but then had to quickly walk away before she gave herself away. It was all too much.  To feel the weight of that goodbye.  To know what Ezra was losing for the sake of gaining a forever.  How can you ever make sense of loss?  Of heartbreak?  Of goodbye? All we can do is trust in the ever loving kindness of our Father to help redeem the broken- to make beauty from the ashes.  

I walked down a few flight of stairs with my boy to find a quiet place to try to gather myself.  All those emotions, all the love, all the loss came spilling out.  I grieved for what my boy had lost and was now losing.  I grieved for him since he didn't know to grieve the bigness of this moment in his life.  How is he to understand that that goodbye will most likely be forever?  How is he to know that that moment closed a chapter in his life.  New beginnings are beautiful but beginnings come from endings and that has to be recognized.  

The emotions and moments of yesterday are still so very raw for me.  I am still trying to process it all as much as I can in the craziness of the trip.  I want to wrap it all up and hold it tight so someday, when he is ready, we can tell him his story.  A story of loss and love and redemption and healing.  A story of Hope that ends with him seeing that the God of the universe had a plan for His life. When he came to the chapters of loss, the Lord redeemed with love. It is only our privilege as a family to be a part of that story as we stepped out in faith and received blessing after blessing in return.  

Gotcha Day

(Written by Marcus)

Gotcha Day is a bittersweet day of unpredictability. Bittersweet could describe the entire adoption process, but especially this day—a day of leaving all that is known and familiar and moving towards a family of strangers. 

It’s a day to mourn the losing of biological family;

It’s a day to celebrate the finding of forever family.

It’s a painful day of tearing away;

It’s a joyous day of grafting in.

It’s a day of new trauma; 

It’s a first day of healing.  

It’s a day focused on orphans,

who are orphans no more! 

Having been through this once before, we were able to set our expectations properly. By that, I mean we had the sense to know that the range of experiences on gotcha day are broad—anything can happen—so in one hand (maybe the pessimist’s hand) you set your expectations at the very bottom and await deep sorrow, many tears, and even resistance; in the other hand, you grip tight to hope that the child is well-prepared, shows healthy hesitation, and slowly warms throughout the day. 

The first part of our morning (this was Monday) was much like others before. We woke up at 5-something in the morning, had breakfast, and came back to the room to prepare (if that’s possible). At breakfast, I caught Lindsey in the same nervous pose from almost 3 years ago (on Ellie’s Gotcha Day). 

On Ellie's

On Ezra's (no, she wasn't dipping her doughnut in ketchup)

We left at 9:30 with the other two adoptive families, who were also adopting children around 4 years old. At the civil affairs office, we shuffled into a very warm Adoption Registry room. 

The Adoption Registry Room

When we first walked into the room, there sat a young Chinese boy of maybe 9 years old, visibly nervous, resting back against the comforting arms of a male caretaker. Lindsey and I both noticed that he had a repaired cleft lip, which instantly draws our affection. Shortly after we arrived, they left the room and had their gotcha day in another room with their Italian forever family. I’ll get back to them in a minute…sorry, this is going to be a long post. 

We weren’t seated for long (honestly, I never sat…too nervous) when in walked our Ezra. They announced his name, “HanBei,” to identify his adopted parents. We motioned—we belong to him, and he belongs to us. Meeting the first of our hopeful expectations, he was clearly well-prepared, because he appeared to recognize Lindsey. He walked toward her with a shy smile, and she took him right in with her mama heart. 

The Walk to Mama

From the pre-travel videos and photographs, we'd noticed that he often has an inquisitive and questioning look on his face; we saw the same expressions right away. Without words, his face asked all the questions. Initial answers came from Lindsey’s smile, but we lacked words—Mandarin or English—to reassure him entirely. He cried no tears, but his furrowed brow continued the inquiry: What is happening? Who are you? Are you safe?  

Questioning Eyes

And the bonding began. Lindsey showed him the matchbox cars we brought, which proved to be less exciting than the huge pile of toys our co-travelers brought along, which he eyed and borrowed. We kept him near by sharing treats and drinks. Lindsey doted. 

Dum-Dums Always Help

We got a first picture with Mama and Baba. 

Mama, Baba, and Ezra

Being of universal boyhood, he and I had our first bonding moment with matchbox car crash-up derby, followed by a first lesson in “how to make ramps with random objects." 

Crash-Up Derby

Making Ramps with Random Objects

First meetings on gotcha day are all different. After the first 30 minutes, ours was right in the middle of the continuum, which is actually a wonderful way to start. He was well-prepared, but not over-eager; he came to us without resistance, but with some suspicion; and he warmed progressively, but slowly. Adoptive bonding is a very long-distance race—with that in mind, our first 30 minutes were pretty perfect! 

The formal adoption paperwork includes a family photograph, which is taken in the Adoption Registry room; so after maybe 30 minutes with Ezra, the Italian couple with the 9-year old came into the room with their new son. While all our kids seemed to be coming along, he still had tears in his eyes and sniffles in his nose as he tried to find composure for a photo. My heart bursted for him—and them. What a scary and difficult experience; to top it off, most of the Chinese guides speak English and Mandarin, and this couple spoke neither. As they walked out of the room, I wanted to hug them a reassuring hug. But, lacking real language to explain my affront, I simply greeted them with “Bonjourno,” while I prayed with tears for their journey. I didn't expect my first tears on this trip to be for another family and child, but the heart is moved when the heart is moved. Jumping forward in the story, we saw them the next day at the civil affairs office again and the boy was skipping down the hallway next to his mama with a big smile. That did my heart good…so good.      

After some paperwork, we headed back to the bus en route to the hotel. Holding Ezra's hand as we walked, I picked him up as we approached the elevator and then carried him out of the building. While we waited, he leaned into me and put his head on my shoulder for a few seconds—my first hug, within the first hour, totally unexpected! Then he pulled back and gently pressed his head against mine with the sweetest look on his face. Bonding may be a long-distance race, but man, what a powerful way to get going!   

Bond Away!

Back at the hotel, he was all mama’s boy. He stayed close in the elevator (he still smiles when he sees himself in the mirror). 

Mirror Mirror

 He held mama’s hand in the hallway. 

Hallway Hand-Holding

Mama found the first giggles during a tickling game with the little toy guys. 

First Laughs

Wanting to stay together in our own private area, we ordered in room service for lunch. Wonton soup seemed to be a safe choice, and it proved true. Quickly he demonstrated that noodle slurping is a part of his eating experience. 

Noodle Room Service

And veggie slurping. I believe this is called yu choy—it’s in a lot of soups. Noah would’ve gagged at this. 

Slurping Veggies

After lunch, naps were in order. Sleep has a funny way of disarming our emotional guard; not surprisingly, as he awoke slowly, we noticed his first signs of grief and fear. In some way, he was starting to process the change and loss he was experiencing. I pulled him up into bed and held him as he went limp and listless in my arms. Like a child becomes heavy as they slowly fall asleep, he became heavier and heavier in my arms as he withdrew into himself. I held him for a short time as Lindsey and I whisperingly questioned and discussed the best approach to comfort him. After a while, Lindsey took over the comforting—in time, he emerged again and slowly warmed back up.   

A Time to Grieve

The comforting led into some prolonged time of quiet closeness with Mama, after which Lindsey was able to capture some precious moments. 

Sweet Snuggle Time

After warming, Baba could evoke smiles, but always Mama was the approver. Before taking any major actions or making any major reactions, he would double-check for signals and cues. He seems to have her same perceptive social awareness.  

Funny, Right Mama!?

Once he opened back up, his smile took over the show. Oh goodness…what a sweet smile he has! We’ve noticed that he has controlling powers over all caretakers. He can bend them to his will for treats and special attention. Ladies, look out for this one! 

One Smile to Rule Them All

He also likes playing ball, and appears to throw left-handed like his Baba. Bonding bonus. 

Lefties Make Better Lovers

In the evening, we gave him a first bath, which he seemed to enjoy…until water went into his eyes. Then it was all over. It was his first cry, though it lasted only briefly. It’s probably not a bad way to have it. Nobody likes water in the eyes.  

By the end of the day, we were all totally wiped. We’d promised the kids at home that they would be first to meet him, so we all stayed awake here until the sun made its way around to a Michigan morning. The kids loved on him from afar; with big smiles and sweet voices, they greeted and welcomed him into the brotherhood of Burton.  

And so, we welcome this sweet boy into family. We’ve finally gotcha.

Nervous Anticipation

I sit here listening to the sounds of traffic below (you would really think that 5 star hotels would have better sound proofing ;)) feeling so many different feelings.  We are an hour away from leaving to finally meet our boy.  Up until now, he has been a series of pictures and words on the pages of a file to us.  No, that is not totally true.  That is the literal version of what he has been but to my mama heart, he has been more.  I can't describe how it is that a heart can love someone they have never met.  And I do not go into adoption with the same innocent naivety that I did with Ellie.  This time I understand much more clearly that while I have loved him from afar, we are about to transition into something much more organic and fluid and bittersweet.  We have to get to know each other for the first time.   Unlike when you have a baby, I can't take for granted the fact that my child will like me or cry out for me or even want me at first.  We are strangers and yet we are about to become family.  We make the choice to love before we have even met, but then we have to choose love everyday as we figure out how all the pieces of our hearts fit together in this new way.  Adoption is beautiful in so many, many ways but it comes with a broken weightiness as well.  I am praying for the Lord's hand to cover us and for His grace to be plentiful as we start this journey together.

This morning I couldn't help but be thinking and praying for Ezra's foster mom as well.  From what I know, he has been with her for over a year at least.  What is she feeling as she tucked him in for the last time last night?  As she made him breakfast for the last time this morning?  Did she make all of his favorite things?  Is she holding him just a few seconds longer with each hug?  I haven't been a foster mom before so I can only imagine what she is experiencing today.  To have poured in so much love and care and now she has to say goodbye.  I know some of you sweet friends out there that do or have done foster care know how she is feeling and I am asking that you especially pray for her today.  You know just what her heart needs to be comforted and encouraged today.  I am looking forward to meeting her tomorrow and thanking her for loving our boy.

My thoughts flow naturally from Ezra's foster mom to his birth mom.  It is very likely that somewhere nearby in this city she is going about her morning. I can only imagine that she thinks of her son often and wonders how he is.   I am praying that somehow the Lord gives her a peace today to help her know that today her boy has found his forever.  That her heart can find rest knowing that even though the brokenness of this world has separated her from her son, he will now have the love of a mama and baba that not only take him as their own, but also honor her place in his life.  She is forever a part of him, forever a part of us.  Just as I often pray for Ellie's birth family, I pray that they will come to know Jesus and that if we are never all brought back together in this life, that we will have eternity together.  Yes, today I am praying for peace and rest for her.

Ah.  So many emotions this morning.  So much nervous anticipation.  Will he like us?  Will he be scared?  How hard will he grieve?  What foods does he like?  What makes him laugh?  What scares him?  How will we know when he has to use the bathroom?  Haha!  The language barrier alone is enough to make this mama nervous.  Lord, be close to us this morning and the days following.  Work a miracle in his little heart to somehow know that he is safe, that he is loved, that he is family.

Now if you will excuse me, it is finally time for me to go squeeze my boy....

Shanghai

I can't believe that we are back in China!  It has been nearly three years and we find ourselves once again amongst the beautiful people of our daughter's homeland.  And not only are we back but we are going to get the privilege of bringing home her little brother.  Only one more day and we will have our son in our arms.

Our trip so far has been fairly uneventful (except for the ride from the airport to our hotel but more about that later!).  On the long trip from Chicago to Shanghai, we somehow lucked out to be on a nearly empty flight.   Marcus and I each had our own row to stretch out on and it was glorious.  Haha!  It really did help to be able to get some rest and not feel so claustrophobic.  The hardest part of the flight was feeling the distance grow between us and the kiddos.  My momma heart can't just be detached and separated from them.  It is grounded in their very beings.  As we flew further and further, I felt it stretch across the world along with us.  It will stay uncomfortably stretched and connected to them like that while we are here setting anchor in another little heart until we return home.  I can't wait to have all my babies in one place finally!



When we arrived in Shanghai, it was a seamless transition through customs and finding our driver.  He didn't speak any English so we knew it wasn't going to be a very chatty ride.  As we drove along, we began to notice that our driver was not quite as alert as you might hope as you are driving along the highway!  The first time he began drifting over out of our lane and Marcus had to shake him to wake him up.  A few minutes later, he started drifting off again and the car slowly lost acceleration.  I shook him awake again.  After that, I nervously kept watch of his eyes through the rearview mirror and every time his eyes started to droop again, I would cough loudly or make some other noise to try to keep him awake.  Needless to say, it was a very stressful drive into the city!!!!  He is supposed to pick us up in the morning to take us to the train station so I am really hoping he gets a good nights rest tonight!  ;)

Our hotel is right in the middle of large outdoor mall so there is lots of hustle and bustle.  The biggest blessing is that there is a great little restaurant right across the road.  Super yummy food and menus with pictures and English translations!  :)

Today we decided to be a little adventurous and venture out on our own since we don't have a guide for here in Shanghai.  We took a taxi to the well known Bund area.  It is right along the Huangpu River.  It was good to see the city a little but we didn't end up being able to enjoy it much because the smog levels were so high.  It looked really 'foggy' out but the air literally smelled like exhaust.  My bronchitis hasn't quite cleared up and every time we go out, I start coughing and feel my chest tighten up.  Not fun.  We walked around a bit, used my internal coffee gps to find Starbucks ;) and then headed back to our hotel area for some lunch.  We actually met another Mid-Westerner at the restaurant who was here for work and had lunch together and chatted.  :)


After lunch, we came back to our room and have had a nice quiet afternoon of resting.  Tomorrow, we take a train at 11am to Ezra's home city of Hefei.  The train ride is about 3 hours long.  Once we get there, we will connect with the other families that are coming to Hefei with our agency to meet their little ones too.  The best part is that the kids are all in class together so they will still get to hang out with their friends while we are in China!  :)  Once we get into town, we will hopefully find out what time we get to meet Ezra on Monday.  We are getting so close and my heart speeds up just thinking about it!  Thank you for your continued prayers!  Please be especially praying for Ezra right now as he spends his last two nights with his foster momma and the only world he has known.  Life is about to get really crazy for him for awhile and I am just praying that God will prepare his heart and somehow let him know that we are safe.

A Very Present Help in Trouble

   So today has been a day.  It all started last night when one of our toilets clogged.  I plunged and plunged and couldn't clear it so I decided to wait till morning to see if whatever was in there would dissolve a bit.  This morning, our other toilet decided to clog too creating quite the 'situation'.  Water flowed everywhere soon followed by my tears.  You see, my handy husband who would have been all over this is currently asleep on the other side of the world.  I am normally pretty calm and clear headed in emergency situations and after getting the water to stop flowing and looking up the number for the plumber I figured I could figure this out and get people here to fix it.  Of course, as I am talking to the plumbing company though, my emotions take over and I am fighting back tears.  He calls me back soon after telling me they would be here in the next hour or two to ask when the last time we had our septic pumped.  After asking my very groggy husband, we realized it was way over due and most likely the issue.  I then get a number for the septic company and am a emotional mess as soon as I start explaining our situation.  I really don't know why I was so emotional except that in that moment I just felt so overwhelmed at the prospect of not quite knowing what to do to fix the issue let alone what to do with my three children with over active bladders and bowels for the day.  (And anyone who knows me knows that I have the bladder of a small child as well).

   After waiting awhile for the septic company to get here (and a trip to our good friends and neighbor's house to use the bathroom) they finally come only to tell me that the septic isn't actually the problem.  It is pretty full and needed pumped out sooner rather than later anyways but it was not causing the situation with the toilets and I needed to call the plumber back.  Sigh.  Now I sit here with a several hundred dollar septic bill and still no working toilets.  And you know what?  It is ok.

  I have so clearly felt the attack of the enemy today because this is just sort of his MO when God is working in your life.  Ask any adoptive family and I bet they have a least one story of crazy things like this happening during their process.  Our garage door busted right before we left to get Ellie among other things.  Our friends that are in the process of adopting again too have been hit from every side with their refrigerator, dryer AND furnace all needing to be replaced within weeks of each other.  It is just all the little/big things that add up and can leave you feeling overwhelmed, incapable and unable.  It is the enemy coming in to kill, steal and destroy our joy, our resolve and our faith.

  But the flip side of all of that is this- the Lord is faithful.  He takes our troubles and uses them to bring glory to himself.  He shows up and shows off in way that only He can.  He encourages us, strengthens our faith and our passion, and He does not leave us adrift.  As a friend reminded me today, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" Psalm 46:1.

  I have decided to ditch my bad attitude and complaining today and start leaning into this truth.  And it is truth.  I have seen all day how true it is that God is a 'very present help in trouble'.  God uses people so often to be His hands and feet-  To be His tangible help.  He has shown Himself as my very present help today by having people offer us refuge (and bathroom use) at their houses, by praying for us, by letting us come and use their toilet just to poo so a certain little one didn't do so outside!, by offering the use of a camping toilet if we wanted it, by taking the kids for the day so they can stop peeing outside ;), and even going as far as driving to our house and digging up where the septic is to save us time and money (thank you Todd!).  As overwhelmed as I have felt at times today, He has not left me on my own.  I have friends and family that love me with the love of Jesus and that is more powerful than any attack the enemy could muster.  Today I am going to choose to praise my God for showing me how powerful His love and faithfulness and kindness and very present help is in the midst of troubles!


UPDATE since I started typing this up:  Plumber has come and gone after working on things for about two hours (and leaving another bill for several hundred dollars).  I have no idea what he did but it sounded brutal.  The funny thing is, (At this point I have to laugh because when things are this ridiculous the enemy just sort of gives himself away) after not being quite sure what was going on at first, it seems that there were three SEPARATE issues.  After I made the comment, "What are the chances?!" he tells me, "To be honest, I have never been to a house that had a 'sludge' back up further up in the pipes and a clogged toilet and another toilet that just happened to break at the same time for as long as I have been on the job!".  Yup, sounds about right.  Oh, and right before he left, he let me know that we might even have to pull up the almost new flooring in the one bathroom because the wood under the toilet seems to be rotted so the bolts won't get good hold to keep the toilet in place.  Sigh.  It's cool, it's cool.  We have one working toilet now, another that can be fixed and the love of Jesus.  Lord, help me to say Hallelujah! :)

Our beautiful mess

Adoption is hard.  Even when things are going really well, and they are, throwing a toddler into the mix can make life a little crazy for awhile.  There are a lot of days that I feel like I am in 'newborn' mode.  Normal adjusting to adding to the family.  Learning how to split time and energy and attention into three instead of two.  Full on 'mommy mode' and losing 'Lindsey' in a lot of ways for awhile.  Having a new little one needing so much time and attention and well, me.  But in other ways, it is so so much more complicated than adding a newborn.  A newborn doesn't come to you with a past.  It doesn't come to you having spent 18 mths of its life living with a one set of rules and expectations and lifestyles and then being uprooted from that for two months of learning a whole new set of rules and expectations and lifestyle only to be COMPLETELY uprooted yet again to learn even more rules and expectations and lifestyles.  That is a whole lot of change for a little one in such a short amount of time.

The other thing about adopting a toddler is that you are constantly wondering if issues and quirks are simply personality or part of the adjustment.  Noah and Mali were not busy and into things quite the same way Ellie is.  Is that because she is just wired to be more curious and independent and non-inhibited or is it because she has a new found freedom to explore the way she wants and about a bazillion new things to explore? Or a combination of both?  When she wakes up crying from a nap in a way that you have never heard her cry before is it because she is finally starting to grieve or is it because she has an ear ache or new tooth coming in or just overly tired?  When she reacts a certain way to seeing Marcus wrestling with me or the kids is it because she isn't sure if we are being hurt and she has seen something like that before or is she just trying to figure out what we silly folks are doing?

In these days of transition, my emotions are a mess, my brain is a mess and my house is a MESS!  I turn around and see a pile of things here and turn the other way to see a pile of things there.  It is so hard for me right now to feel like the outward appearance of my home so vulnerably shows the inward mess of my mind.  I feel buried in 'stuff' and just don't have the time or energy to sort through it right now.  I am too busy teaching a little girl who was once an orphan how to be part of a family.

 I am teaching her that it is not ok to pull her sister's hair.  I am teaching her that the toilet brush is not also a hair brush.  I am teaching her how to be gentle.  I am teaching her that it is not ok to bring me my iPad while I am in the shower.  I am teaching her how to be held and snuggled when her mommy sings to her before bed.  I am teaching her how to pray.  I am teaching her how to give a hug.  I am teaching her how to use a fork.  I am teaching her how to listen and how to communicate.  I am teaching her how to be loved by a forever family.

That takes a lot of physical and emotional work and for now, I need to be ok with just focusing on that.  I need to be ok with not being perfect.  I need to be ok with letting things just be what they are right now.  I need to give myself a little extra grace and to remind myself that there is room and time for us all to adjust and find our new 'normal'.  I need to take a step back from it from time to time to be able to really see how well it is going and to remind myself that no matter how upside down our lives feel right now, it is worth every single second and every single mess to have this sweet girl in our family.

For now, we are surviving and hopefully, will even soon be thriving in the midst of this beautiful mess.

Never Once

Saturday night is our usual night to go to church. We have missed it so much the past several weeks and with as well as Ellie has been doing, we couldn't resist at least giving it a go and seeing how she would do. We had no intentions of putting her in the kids class yet but I was hoping to at least get to enjoy worship time before she got too antsy and then we could go out to the foyer and she could run around a bit.

Worship is almost always my favorite time of the service.  I love the way my heart connects with God during those times.  Last night might have been one of my all time favorites.  :)  I am pretty sure God had the set of songs planned just for my heart.  They were all so perfect for what I was feeling being home with Ellie but one in particular stood out.  Matt Redman's song, "Never Once", was a really powerful song of encouragement during our wait time of the adoption.  In all the times that it felt like it might never happen or I just didn't understand God's timing of it all, that song would speak refreshment and encouragement to my heart in so many ways.  This was, of course, one of the songs we sang last night.

I can't tell you how powerfully I felt that song last night as I stood there with Eleanor in my arms. I felt so filled up with gratitude and faith and thankfulness.  We may have had scars and struggles on the way but with joy my heart can say that never once in our long journey to Ellie did God leave us on our own.  Evermore, I will be breathing out God's praise.  I sang this song out to God with all my heart. I watched as this little girl who my heart has longed after for years, raised her hand just as her momma was doing in praise to God and then as she clapped and danced to the song in my arms.  My eyes filled with tears as my heart overflowed with emotion.  It was one of the most special moments of my life.  I felt like it all had finally come full circle and God was smiling over us.

God is faithful, my friends.  Sometimes (most often) the journey looks so very different than we imagine but we can trust our God.  We can trust His plan for us.  We can trust His goodness for us.  In this life we only see a dim reflection of reality and truth.  There are times, though, that I think God pulls back the curtain a bit and lets us see a little clearer.  There are moments that we get a glimpse of the grander landscape of our lives.  We get to see how things have led up to a single moment- how the painful pieces all fit together to create something altogether lovely.  I felt that I experienced one of those holy moments last night and I am still carrying the glow of it with me today.