Giggles and Gumdrops

Lest you all be fooled into thinking that it is all giggles and gumdrops over here, I should probably share some of the less adorable struggles we have had since being home.

Ellie really is doing great.  We are beyond thankful for how well her first foster momma clearly loved her and took care of her.  We have been struggling through jet lag but the past couple of nights have been better and a little sleep can do wonders all around.  Though I would say the biggest challenge with her is knowing the right level of discipline.  When you have babies that you get from day one, you grow together and there is a more natural flow and development to discipline.  When you are handed a toddler, you just hit the ground running.  She is almost two and is into everything.  For the most part, she is a good listener and will follow directions.  If she has the remote and you ask for it, she will generally give it to you with a smile.  There are times though, that in true toddler fashion, she decides to test the boundaries.  As we are still working on attachment and making sure she knows that she is safe and loved, it feels like such a fine line of how much to let things slide a little more for now and how much to lay those lines down and establish a sense of security through known expectations.  We are taking it one situation at a time and praying for wisdom.

Interestingly enough, it has been the same way with the older two, as well.  I have seen ways that Mali has 'regressed' a bit as she gets used to not being the 'baby' of the family anymore.  She tends to fight over Ellie's toys and wants to use all the baby items again like Ellie's sippy cups and such.  Whenever she sees us playing with or tickling Ellie she comes right over and asks us to do that to her too.  (Thankfully, this is done in a really sweet way of just wanting to be included in the fun).  She has been a little on the fussy side and cries much easier than usual. We are trying to make sure that she gets extra snuggle time and doesn't feel left out or 'replaced'.

Noah has just been plain grumpy most of the day though.  I have been surprised to see that the transition has been hardest on him.  I thought Mali would have the hardest time with having to share me and not be the youngest anymore but she is distracted enough with 'mothering' Ellie that it seems to at least take the edge off of all that.  Noah though, is clearly still needing to catch up on quality time after us being away for two weeks and the fact that daily life is different with a toddler around has been hard on him. He gets frustrated with having a little sister that gets into things and the fact that there are things that we have to wait to do until Ellie is napping or he has to go to his room with the door shut to do.  We are really encouraging him especially to talk about what he is feeling since his moodiness is more than from just getting up too early most mornings since we have been home.  Last night, as he was just sort of 'getting it all out' to put it in a nice way, he said that the only fun time of the day is when Ellie is napping.  Sigh.  He clearly loves her and when he does interact with her he is gentle and sweet, but it is an adjustment to live with a toddler.

For myself, I find that I feel pulled in so many different directions (three kids, a pile of laundry, suitcases to unpack, a house to get caught up with on cleaning, post Christmas clutter to sort through, etc.)  that I don't feel like I am doing anything well.  I have mommy guilt lingering from being gone from the other two for so long so I want to try to catch up with them and make sure they are getting enough from me now- That is a little harder though when I am chasing after a toddler all day.  As I see the kids struggling through adjusting to Ellie in their own ways, I want to help them as much as I can but I feel so split at times.  I feel so bad when I have to keep telling them that I just can't do what they are asking right then and I will try to create some time for it later.  I am also struggling with having zero personal time or space right now.  If I get up with Ellie around 6 in the morning (an adjustment in itself.  I am just not a morning person) then it is go go go till the minute we put the kids to bed around 8.  Which wouldn't be too different from how it used to be if we had a couple hours in the evening to recover but this week we are literally putting Noah and Mali to bed and going straight to our room to brush teeth and fall into bed.  I can't even shower (I have an audience of two little girls. Awkward) or go to the bathroom by myself right now let alone have a few minutes for reading my Bible (which I really need!).  I am just looking forward to finding our new rhythm and thankfully, I really do see little glimpses of that more and more every day.

There are adjustments and sacrifices we are all having to make but as we sat around the dinner table last night talking about it, we reminded the kids that it is far better to have Ellie here in our home getting into things and having to teach her how to be part of a family than for her to be in an orphanage with no family at all.  It is a big lesson for our kids to grasp but they have big enough hearts that in these moments of clarity they understand that.  We are all learning more about grace and patience and selfless love during this time, as well.  Hard?  Yes.  Worth it?  You bet.  But we are all going to be better individuals and stronger as a family for making 'one of the least of these' as our very own.