Goodbye

As I sit here in the quiet of nap time, the day after our visit to Ezra's orphanage and foster home, I am feeling just a little less raw about it all and hope that I can finally find the words (at least some of the words) to reflect on our time there in a way that preserves it all for him to cherish (or mourn) in the future.

We started our visit in Ezra's classroom.  At his orphanage, kids under 3 live in a 'classroom'.  This means that their beds are all together in the same area as their play room etc.  (We didn't get to see this room because we all had kids 3+.)  At age three (or thereabouts since Ezra transitioned when he was 2 1/2) they move into an apartment on campus with a foster family.  Each family has about 5-6 kids there at a time.  During the day, these older kids take a little trolley bus back over to the school building to attend 'kindergarten'.  As we made our way up towards their classroom, Ezra was perfectly at ease strutting through the hallway like he owned the place.  

He was the first one through the door when we got there and it was like he was a little celebrity.  :)  The teachers all surrounded him hugging him and taking his picture.  So cute!  I think he was quite popular among his ayi's.  :)

I definitely felt bad for the teachers and the other kids in the room because with our three families descending on them, it basically threw everything into chaos.  All the sweet teachers wanted to get one last picture with Ezra which was very sweet.  There was one little boy that simply broke my heart though.  He kept tugging on my hands wanting me to pick him up or take him with us too.  I don't know exactly what he was feeling in that moment but I felt so helpless when he started sobbing.  I am praying for his little heart and praying that his family finds him soon.

One of Ezra's foster sisters

This woman was Ezra's favorite teacher.  She was in all the pics that we saw of him before coming and was as sweet in person as I imagined from seeing her picture.  You could tell that she loved my boy very much and is really going to miss him.  I am not sure if she was supposed to or not but she asked me for my email and I was MORE than happy to give it to her.  I really hope she keeps in touch with us!!!

The classroom where he spent his days

After the craziness of the classroom, it was time to take a walk across campus to the apartment buildings.  I can't say enough good things about Hefei Social Welfare Institute.  The government in this province has poured a lot of money into this place and it really makes such a huge difference for the kids here.  The campus that they are on now is only four years old and very nice.  One Sky (nonprofit organization which is a sister program to Half the Sky) has come in and done training and support on bonding and attachment and what a big difference foster homes make for kids.  As part of the program, we even got a 'Life Book' for Ezra which is basically like a baby book documenting his life so far complete with a ton of pictures.  I can't tell you what a treasure that is to have!

Walking to the apartments

When we got up to where Ezra's apartment was, the door was open and as soon as he saw his foster mama, he went running straight into her arms and wrapped her up.  Her face was pure joy and it was a moment that will be etched into my heart forever.

Ezra was completely at home jumping around in the living room of their apartment.  His foster mom then had him help take us on a little tour and show us his room.

Living room

Dining room area with bathroom off to left


While we were in his room, we had the guide ask his foster mom if there were any special stories she wanted to share with us.  She told us that he was her favorite child and that she loved him very much.  She said that he always wanted to be close by her and wanted her to himself.  I can definitely see this in him in the ways that he leans into me, holds onto my hands and generally just melts me with his sweet snuggly-ness.  However, he might have a bit of a rude awakening when we get home and he has to share me with three other siblings!  So far, he doesn't really have a great reaction to other kids which makes me wonder how it is going to go with the other kiddos when we first get home.  I am definitely praying about that.

Showing us his bed

After our conversation in the bedroom, we went back out to take a few pictures when Ezra went over to their snack bowl asking for something.  She basically gave him everything he wanted and in the end, dumped the entire thing into a bag for him.  Then she went over to some other tins and started giving him other treats to take too.  We felt bad for her emptying out their snacks and really didn't want to take all their treats, but my mama heart held me back understanding that this was one last thing she could do for him.  If I were her, I would want to give him any last parting gifts as well and I just couldn't deny her that.

Treats from mama


After this, we made our way into the living room to take some pictures together.  

Two mama's and so much love

And then came the beautiful but truly heart wrenching moment.  As he was sitting on her lap, I could tell that she was telling him that it was time to go with his new 'mama' and 'baba'.  He kept shaking his head and saying no.  It made me sad but of course I understood because he is three years old and we are strangers and this woman is his source of comfort and love.  There is no way he should want to walk away from that.  She started gently talking to him.  I so desperately wish I knew what she was saying to him.  I know it had something to do with 'America' and mama and baba.  I have to imagine it was her way of giving him permission to let go and embrace his new forever.  That is was ok to move forward.  To be brave and that everything would be ok.  After she was through, her eyes glistening with tears but the same sweet smile on her face, he came to me and that was that.  It seemed to be the closure his little heart needed to move on.  Yes, I wish I knew what she said but at the same time, it was their moment together.  Their special goodbye that was shared between their two hearts only and that is something even more precious.   I am still emotional thinking about it and hope that I can carry the rawness of those moments to share with him when he is older.

We walked over to the door with Ezra in my arms and stood together.  I was willing my heart to somehow reach out to hers across the language barrier to let her know how much her love for our boy means to me.  To let her know that she will not be forgotten.  To assure her that this boy that has been part of her heart is walking into a family so full of love that he won't know what to do with it at first!  That he will be loved and cherished and safe forever.  All I could do was wrap the three of us in a hug to last us a life time and say 'thank you'.  Ezra gave her one final kiss and she smiled to try to keep back the tears but then had to quickly walk away before she gave herself away. It was all too much.  To feel the weight of that goodbye.  To know what Ezra was losing for the sake of gaining a forever.  How can you ever make sense of loss?  Of heartbreak?  Of goodbye? All we can do is trust in the ever loving kindness of our Father to help redeem the broken- to make beauty from the ashes.  

I walked down a few flight of stairs with my boy to find a quiet place to try to gather myself.  All those emotions, all the love, all the loss came spilling out.  I grieved for what my boy had lost and was now losing.  I grieved for him since he didn't know to grieve the bigness of this moment in his life.  How is he to understand that that goodbye will most likely be forever?  How is he to know that that moment closed a chapter in his life.  New beginnings are beautiful but beginnings come from endings and that has to be recognized.  

The emotions and moments of yesterday are still so very raw for me.  I am still trying to process it all as much as I can in the craziness of the trip.  I want to wrap it all up and hold it tight so someday, when he is ready, we can tell him his story.  A story of loss and love and redemption and healing.  A story of Hope that ends with him seeing that the God of the universe had a plan for His life. When he came to the chapters of loss, the Lord redeemed with love. It is only our privilege as a family to be a part of that story as we stepped out in faith and received blessing after blessing in return.  

Gotcha Day

(Written by Marcus)

Gotcha Day is a bittersweet day of unpredictability. Bittersweet could describe the entire adoption process, but especially this day—a day of leaving all that is known and familiar and moving towards a family of strangers. 

It’s a day to mourn the losing of biological family;

It’s a day to celebrate the finding of forever family.

It’s a painful day of tearing away;

It’s a joyous day of grafting in.

It’s a day of new trauma; 

It’s a first day of healing.  

It’s a day focused on orphans,

who are orphans no more! 

Having been through this once before, we were able to set our expectations properly. By that, I mean we had the sense to know that the range of experiences on gotcha day are broad—anything can happen—so in one hand (maybe the pessimist’s hand) you set your expectations at the very bottom and await deep sorrow, many tears, and even resistance; in the other hand, you grip tight to hope that the child is well-prepared, shows healthy hesitation, and slowly warms throughout the day. 

The first part of our morning (this was Monday) was much like others before. We woke up at 5-something in the morning, had breakfast, and came back to the room to prepare (if that’s possible). At breakfast, I caught Lindsey in the same nervous pose from almost 3 years ago (on Ellie’s Gotcha Day). 

On Ellie's

On Ezra's (no, she wasn't dipping her doughnut in ketchup)

We left at 9:30 with the other two adoptive families, who were also adopting children around 4 years old. At the civil affairs office, we shuffled into a very warm Adoption Registry room. 

The Adoption Registry Room

When we first walked into the room, there sat a young Chinese boy of maybe 9 years old, visibly nervous, resting back against the comforting arms of a male caretaker. Lindsey and I both noticed that he had a repaired cleft lip, which instantly draws our affection. Shortly after we arrived, they left the room and had their gotcha day in another room with their Italian forever family. I’ll get back to them in a minute…sorry, this is going to be a long post. 

We weren’t seated for long (honestly, I never sat…too nervous) when in walked our Ezra. They announced his name, “HanBei,” to identify his adopted parents. We motioned—we belong to him, and he belongs to us. Meeting the first of our hopeful expectations, he was clearly well-prepared, because he appeared to recognize Lindsey. He walked toward her with a shy smile, and she took him right in with her mama heart. 

The Walk to Mama

From the pre-travel videos and photographs, we'd noticed that he often has an inquisitive and questioning look on his face; we saw the same expressions right away. Without words, his face asked all the questions. Initial answers came from Lindsey’s smile, but we lacked words—Mandarin or English—to reassure him entirely. He cried no tears, but his furrowed brow continued the inquiry: What is happening? Who are you? Are you safe?  

Questioning Eyes

And the bonding began. Lindsey showed him the matchbox cars we brought, which proved to be less exciting than the huge pile of toys our co-travelers brought along, which he eyed and borrowed. We kept him near by sharing treats and drinks. Lindsey doted. 

Dum-Dums Always Help

We got a first picture with Mama and Baba. 

Mama, Baba, and Ezra

Being of universal boyhood, he and I had our first bonding moment with matchbox car crash-up derby, followed by a first lesson in “how to make ramps with random objects." 

Crash-Up Derby

Making Ramps with Random Objects

First meetings on gotcha day are all different. After the first 30 minutes, ours was right in the middle of the continuum, which is actually a wonderful way to start. He was well-prepared, but not over-eager; he came to us without resistance, but with some suspicion; and he warmed progressively, but slowly. Adoptive bonding is a very long-distance race—with that in mind, our first 30 minutes were pretty perfect! 

The formal adoption paperwork includes a family photograph, which is taken in the Adoption Registry room; so after maybe 30 minutes with Ezra, the Italian couple with the 9-year old came into the room with their new son. While all our kids seemed to be coming along, he still had tears in his eyes and sniffles in his nose as he tried to find composure for a photo. My heart bursted for him—and them. What a scary and difficult experience; to top it off, most of the Chinese guides speak English and Mandarin, and this couple spoke neither. As they walked out of the room, I wanted to hug them a reassuring hug. But, lacking real language to explain my affront, I simply greeted them with “Bonjourno,” while I prayed with tears for their journey. I didn't expect my first tears on this trip to be for another family and child, but the heart is moved when the heart is moved. Jumping forward in the story, we saw them the next day at the civil affairs office again and the boy was skipping down the hallway next to his mama with a big smile. That did my heart good…so good.      

After some paperwork, we headed back to the bus en route to the hotel. Holding Ezra's hand as we walked, I picked him up as we approached the elevator and then carried him out of the building. While we waited, he leaned into me and put his head on my shoulder for a few seconds—my first hug, within the first hour, totally unexpected! Then he pulled back and gently pressed his head against mine with the sweetest look on his face. Bonding may be a long-distance race, but man, what a powerful way to get going!   

Bond Away!

Back at the hotel, he was all mama’s boy. He stayed close in the elevator (he still smiles when he sees himself in the mirror). 

Mirror Mirror

 He held mama’s hand in the hallway. 

Hallway Hand-Holding

Mama found the first giggles during a tickling game with the little toy guys. 

First Laughs

Wanting to stay together in our own private area, we ordered in room service for lunch. Wonton soup seemed to be a safe choice, and it proved true. Quickly he demonstrated that noodle slurping is a part of his eating experience. 

Noodle Room Service

And veggie slurping. I believe this is called yu choy—it’s in a lot of soups. Noah would’ve gagged at this. 

Slurping Veggies

After lunch, naps were in order. Sleep has a funny way of disarming our emotional guard; not surprisingly, as he awoke slowly, we noticed his first signs of grief and fear. In some way, he was starting to process the change and loss he was experiencing. I pulled him up into bed and held him as he went limp and listless in my arms. Like a child becomes heavy as they slowly fall asleep, he became heavier and heavier in my arms as he withdrew into himself. I held him for a short time as Lindsey and I whisperingly questioned and discussed the best approach to comfort him. After a while, Lindsey took over the comforting—in time, he emerged again and slowly warmed back up.   

A Time to Grieve

The comforting led into some prolonged time of quiet closeness with Mama, after which Lindsey was able to capture some precious moments. 

Sweet Snuggle Time

After warming, Baba could evoke smiles, but always Mama was the approver. Before taking any major actions or making any major reactions, he would double-check for signals and cues. He seems to have her same perceptive social awareness.  

Funny, Right Mama!?

Once he opened back up, his smile took over the show. Oh goodness…what a sweet smile he has! We’ve noticed that he has controlling powers over all caretakers. He can bend them to his will for treats and special attention. Ladies, look out for this one! 

One Smile to Rule Them All

He also likes playing ball, and appears to throw left-handed like his Baba. Bonding bonus. 

Lefties Make Better Lovers

In the evening, we gave him a first bath, which he seemed to enjoy…until water went into his eyes. Then it was all over. It was his first cry, though it lasted only briefly. It’s probably not a bad way to have it. Nobody likes water in the eyes.  

By the end of the day, we were all totally wiped. We’d promised the kids at home that they would be first to meet him, so we all stayed awake here until the sun made its way around to a Michigan morning. The kids loved on him from afar; with big smiles and sweet voices, they greeted and welcomed him into the brotherhood of Burton.  

And so, we welcome this sweet boy into family. We’ve finally gotcha.

Nervous Anticipation

I sit here listening to the sounds of traffic below (you would really think that 5 star hotels would have better sound proofing ;)) feeling so many different feelings.  We are an hour away from leaving to finally meet our boy.  Up until now, he has been a series of pictures and words on the pages of a file to us.  No, that is not totally true.  That is the literal version of what he has been but to my mama heart, he has been more.  I can't describe how it is that a heart can love someone they have never met.  And I do not go into adoption with the same innocent naivety that I did with Ellie.  This time I understand much more clearly that while I have loved him from afar, we are about to transition into something much more organic and fluid and bittersweet.  We have to get to know each other for the first time.   Unlike when you have a baby, I can't take for granted the fact that my child will like me or cry out for me or even want me at first.  We are strangers and yet we are about to become family.  We make the choice to love before we have even met, but then we have to choose love everyday as we figure out how all the pieces of our hearts fit together in this new way.  Adoption is beautiful in so many, many ways but it comes with a broken weightiness as well.  I am praying for the Lord's hand to cover us and for His grace to be plentiful as we start this journey together.

This morning I couldn't help but be thinking and praying for Ezra's foster mom as well.  From what I know, he has been with her for over a year at least.  What is she feeling as she tucked him in for the last time last night?  As she made him breakfast for the last time this morning?  Did she make all of his favorite things?  Is she holding him just a few seconds longer with each hug?  I haven't been a foster mom before so I can only imagine what she is experiencing today.  To have poured in so much love and care and now she has to say goodbye.  I know some of you sweet friends out there that do or have done foster care know how she is feeling and I am asking that you especially pray for her today.  You know just what her heart needs to be comforted and encouraged today.  I am looking forward to meeting her tomorrow and thanking her for loving our boy.

My thoughts flow naturally from Ezra's foster mom to his birth mom.  It is very likely that somewhere nearby in this city she is going about her morning. I can only imagine that she thinks of her son often and wonders how he is.   I am praying that somehow the Lord gives her a peace today to help her know that today her boy has found his forever.  That her heart can find rest knowing that even though the brokenness of this world has separated her from her son, he will now have the love of a mama and baba that not only take him as their own, but also honor her place in his life.  She is forever a part of him, forever a part of us.  Just as I often pray for Ellie's birth family, I pray that they will come to know Jesus and that if we are never all brought back together in this life, that we will have eternity together.  Yes, today I am praying for peace and rest for her.

Ah.  So many emotions this morning.  So much nervous anticipation.  Will he like us?  Will he be scared?  How hard will he grieve?  What foods does he like?  What makes him laugh?  What scares him?  How will we know when he has to use the bathroom?  Haha!  The language barrier alone is enough to make this mama nervous.  Lord, be close to us this morning and the days following.  Work a miracle in his little heart to somehow know that he is safe, that he is loved, that he is family.

Now if you will excuse me, it is finally time for me to go squeeze my boy....

Shanghai

I can't believe that we are back in China!  It has been nearly three years and we find ourselves once again amongst the beautiful people of our daughter's homeland.  And not only are we back but we are going to get the privilege of bringing home her little brother.  Only one more day and we will have our son in our arms.

Our trip so far has been fairly uneventful (except for the ride from the airport to our hotel but more about that later!).  On the long trip from Chicago to Shanghai, we somehow lucked out to be on a nearly empty flight.   Marcus and I each had our own row to stretch out on and it was glorious.  Haha!  It really did help to be able to get some rest and not feel so claustrophobic.  The hardest part of the flight was feeling the distance grow between us and the kiddos.  My momma heart can't just be detached and separated from them.  It is grounded in their very beings.  As we flew further and further, I felt it stretch across the world along with us.  It will stay uncomfortably stretched and connected to them like that while we are here setting anchor in another little heart until we return home.  I can't wait to have all my babies in one place finally!



When we arrived in Shanghai, it was a seamless transition through customs and finding our driver.  He didn't speak any English so we knew it wasn't going to be a very chatty ride.  As we drove along, we began to notice that our driver was not quite as alert as you might hope as you are driving along the highway!  The first time he began drifting over out of our lane and Marcus had to shake him to wake him up.  A few minutes later, he started drifting off again and the car slowly lost acceleration.  I shook him awake again.  After that, I nervously kept watch of his eyes through the rearview mirror and every time his eyes started to droop again, I would cough loudly or make some other noise to try to keep him awake.  Needless to say, it was a very stressful drive into the city!!!!  He is supposed to pick us up in the morning to take us to the train station so I am really hoping he gets a good nights rest tonight!  ;)

Our hotel is right in the middle of large outdoor mall so there is lots of hustle and bustle.  The biggest blessing is that there is a great little restaurant right across the road.  Super yummy food and menus with pictures and English translations!  :)

Today we decided to be a little adventurous and venture out on our own since we don't have a guide for here in Shanghai.  We took a taxi to the well known Bund area.  It is right along the Huangpu River.  It was good to see the city a little but we didn't end up being able to enjoy it much because the smog levels were so high.  It looked really 'foggy' out but the air literally smelled like exhaust.  My bronchitis hasn't quite cleared up and every time we go out, I start coughing and feel my chest tighten up.  Not fun.  We walked around a bit, used my internal coffee gps to find Starbucks ;) and then headed back to our hotel area for some lunch.  We actually met another Mid-Westerner at the restaurant who was here for work and had lunch together and chatted.  :)


After lunch, we came back to our room and have had a nice quiet afternoon of resting.  Tomorrow, we take a train at 11am to Ezra's home city of Hefei.  The train ride is about 3 hours long.  Once we get there, we will connect with the other families that are coming to Hefei with our agency to meet their little ones too.  The best part is that the kids are all in class together so they will still get to hang out with their friends while we are in China!  :)  Once we get into town, we will hopefully find out what time we get to meet Ezra on Monday.  We are getting so close and my heart speeds up just thinking about it!  Thank you for your continued prayers!  Please be especially praying for Ezra right now as he spends his last two nights with his foster momma and the only world he has known.  Life is about to get really crazy for him for awhile and I am just praying that God will prepare his heart and somehow let him know that we are safe.

A Very Present Help in Trouble

   So today has been a day.  It all started last night when one of our toilets clogged.  I plunged and plunged and couldn't clear it so I decided to wait till morning to see if whatever was in there would dissolve a bit.  This morning, our other toilet decided to clog too creating quite the 'situation'.  Water flowed everywhere soon followed by my tears.  You see, my handy husband who would have been all over this is currently asleep on the other side of the world.  I am normally pretty calm and clear headed in emergency situations and after getting the water to stop flowing and looking up the number for the plumber I figured I could figure this out and get people here to fix it.  Of course, as I am talking to the plumbing company though, my emotions take over and I am fighting back tears.  He calls me back soon after telling me they would be here in the next hour or two to ask when the last time we had our septic pumped.  After asking my very groggy husband, we realized it was way over due and most likely the issue.  I then get a number for the septic company and am a emotional mess as soon as I start explaining our situation.  I really don't know why I was so emotional except that in that moment I just felt so overwhelmed at the prospect of not quite knowing what to do to fix the issue let alone what to do with my three children with over active bladders and bowels for the day.  (And anyone who knows me knows that I have the bladder of a small child as well).

   After waiting awhile for the septic company to get here (and a trip to our good friends and neighbor's house to use the bathroom) they finally come only to tell me that the septic isn't actually the problem.  It is pretty full and needed pumped out sooner rather than later anyways but it was not causing the situation with the toilets and I needed to call the plumber back.  Sigh.  Now I sit here with a several hundred dollar septic bill and still no working toilets.  And you know what?  It is ok.

  I have so clearly felt the attack of the enemy today because this is just sort of his MO when God is working in your life.  Ask any adoptive family and I bet they have a least one story of crazy things like this happening during their process.  Our garage door busted right before we left to get Ellie among other things.  Our friends that are in the process of adopting again too have been hit from every side with their refrigerator, dryer AND furnace all needing to be replaced within weeks of each other.  It is just all the little/big things that add up and can leave you feeling overwhelmed, incapable and unable.  It is the enemy coming in to kill, steal and destroy our joy, our resolve and our faith.

  But the flip side of all of that is this- the Lord is faithful.  He takes our troubles and uses them to bring glory to himself.  He shows up and shows off in way that only He can.  He encourages us, strengthens our faith and our passion, and He does not leave us adrift.  As a friend reminded me today, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" Psalm 46:1.

  I have decided to ditch my bad attitude and complaining today and start leaning into this truth.  And it is truth.  I have seen all day how true it is that God is a 'very present help in trouble'.  God uses people so often to be His hands and feet-  To be His tangible help.  He has shown Himself as my very present help today by having people offer us refuge (and bathroom use) at their houses, by praying for us, by letting us come and use their toilet just to poo so a certain little one didn't do so outside!, by offering the use of a camping toilet if we wanted it, by taking the kids for the day so they can stop peeing outside ;), and even going as far as driving to our house and digging up where the septic is to save us time and money (thank you Todd!).  As overwhelmed as I have felt at times today, He has not left me on my own.  I have friends and family that love me with the love of Jesus and that is more powerful than any attack the enemy could muster.  Today I am going to choose to praise my God for showing me how powerful His love and faithfulness and kindness and very present help is in the midst of troubles!


UPDATE since I started typing this up:  Plumber has come and gone after working on things for about two hours (and leaving another bill for several hundred dollars).  I have no idea what he did but it sounded brutal.  The funny thing is, (At this point I have to laugh because when things are this ridiculous the enemy just sort of gives himself away) after not being quite sure what was going on at first, it seems that there were three SEPARATE issues.  After I made the comment, "What are the chances?!" he tells me, "To be honest, I have never been to a house that had a 'sludge' back up further up in the pipes and a clogged toilet and another toilet that just happened to break at the same time for as long as I have been on the job!".  Yup, sounds about right.  Oh, and right before he left, he let me know that we might even have to pull up the almost new flooring in the one bathroom because the wood under the toilet seems to be rotted so the bolts won't get good hold to keep the toilet in place.  Sigh.  It's cool, it's cool.  We have one working toilet now, another that can be fixed and the love of Jesus.  Lord, help me to say Hallelujah! :)

Our beautiful mess

Adoption is hard.  Even when things are going really well, and they are, throwing a toddler into the mix can make life a little crazy for awhile.  There are a lot of days that I feel like I am in 'newborn' mode.  Normal adjusting to adding to the family.  Learning how to split time and energy and attention into three instead of two.  Full on 'mommy mode' and losing 'Lindsey' in a lot of ways for awhile.  Having a new little one needing so much time and attention and well, me.  But in other ways, it is so so much more complicated than adding a newborn.  A newborn doesn't come to you with a past.  It doesn't come to you having spent 18 mths of its life living with a one set of rules and expectations and lifestyles and then being uprooted from that for two months of learning a whole new set of rules and expectations and lifestyle only to be COMPLETELY uprooted yet again to learn even more rules and expectations and lifestyles.  That is a whole lot of change for a little one in such a short amount of time.

The other thing about adopting a toddler is that you are constantly wondering if issues and quirks are simply personality or part of the adjustment.  Noah and Mali were not busy and into things quite the same way Ellie is.  Is that because she is just wired to be more curious and independent and non-inhibited or is it because she has a new found freedom to explore the way she wants and about a bazillion new things to explore? Or a combination of both?  When she wakes up crying from a nap in a way that you have never heard her cry before is it because she is finally starting to grieve or is it because she has an ear ache or new tooth coming in or just overly tired?  When she reacts a certain way to seeing Marcus wrestling with me or the kids is it because she isn't sure if we are being hurt and she has seen something like that before or is she just trying to figure out what we silly folks are doing?

In these days of transition, my emotions are a mess, my brain is a mess and my house is a MESS!  I turn around and see a pile of things here and turn the other way to see a pile of things there.  It is so hard for me right now to feel like the outward appearance of my home so vulnerably shows the inward mess of my mind.  I feel buried in 'stuff' and just don't have the time or energy to sort through it right now.  I am too busy teaching a little girl who was once an orphan how to be part of a family.

 I am teaching her that it is not ok to pull her sister's hair.  I am teaching her that the toilet brush is not also a hair brush.  I am teaching her how to be gentle.  I am teaching her that it is not ok to bring me my iPad while I am in the shower.  I am teaching her how to be held and snuggled when her mommy sings to her before bed.  I am teaching her how to pray.  I am teaching her how to give a hug.  I am teaching her how to use a fork.  I am teaching her how to listen and how to communicate.  I am teaching her how to be loved by a forever family.

That takes a lot of physical and emotional work and for now, I need to be ok with just focusing on that.  I need to be ok with not being perfect.  I need to be ok with letting things just be what they are right now.  I need to give myself a little extra grace and to remind myself that there is room and time for us all to adjust and find our new 'normal'.  I need to take a step back from it from time to time to be able to really see how well it is going and to remind myself that no matter how upside down our lives feel right now, it is worth every single second and every single mess to have this sweet girl in our family.

For now, we are surviving and hopefully, will even soon be thriving in the midst of this beautiful mess.

Never Once

Saturday night is our usual night to go to church. We have missed it so much the past several weeks and with as well as Ellie has been doing, we couldn't resist at least giving it a go and seeing how she would do. We had no intentions of putting her in the kids class yet but I was hoping to at least get to enjoy worship time before she got too antsy and then we could go out to the foyer and she could run around a bit.

Worship is almost always my favorite time of the service.  I love the way my heart connects with God during those times.  Last night might have been one of my all time favorites.  :)  I am pretty sure God had the set of songs planned just for my heart.  They were all so perfect for what I was feeling being home with Ellie but one in particular stood out.  Matt Redman's song, "Never Once", was a really powerful song of encouragement during our wait time of the adoption.  In all the times that it felt like it might never happen or I just didn't understand God's timing of it all, that song would speak refreshment and encouragement to my heart in so many ways.  This was, of course, one of the songs we sang last night.

I can't tell you how powerfully I felt that song last night as I stood there with Eleanor in my arms. I felt so filled up with gratitude and faith and thankfulness.  We may have had scars and struggles on the way but with joy my heart can say that never once in our long journey to Ellie did God leave us on our own.  Evermore, I will be breathing out God's praise.  I sang this song out to God with all my heart. I watched as this little girl who my heart has longed after for years, raised her hand just as her momma was doing in praise to God and then as she clapped and danced to the song in my arms.  My eyes filled with tears as my heart overflowed with emotion.  It was one of the most special moments of my life.  I felt like it all had finally come full circle and God was smiling over us.

God is faithful, my friends.  Sometimes (most often) the journey looks so very different than we imagine but we can trust our God.  We can trust His plan for us.  We can trust His goodness for us.  In this life we only see a dim reflection of reality and truth.  There are times, though, that I think God pulls back the curtain a bit and lets us see a little clearer.  There are moments that we get a glimpse of the grander landscape of our lives.  We get to see how things have led up to a single moment- how the painful pieces all fit together to create something altogether lovely.  I felt that I experienced one of those holy moments last night and I am still carrying the glow of it with me today.

Giggles and Gumdrops

Lest you all be fooled into thinking that it is all giggles and gumdrops over here, I should probably share some of the less adorable struggles we have had since being home.

Ellie really is doing great.  We are beyond thankful for how well her first foster momma clearly loved her and took care of her.  We have been struggling through jet lag but the past couple of nights have been better and a little sleep can do wonders all around.  Though I would say the biggest challenge with her is knowing the right level of discipline.  When you have babies that you get from day one, you grow together and there is a more natural flow and development to discipline.  When you are handed a toddler, you just hit the ground running.  She is almost two and is into everything.  For the most part, she is a good listener and will follow directions.  If she has the remote and you ask for it, she will generally give it to you with a smile.  There are times though, that in true toddler fashion, she decides to test the boundaries.  As we are still working on attachment and making sure she knows that she is safe and loved, it feels like such a fine line of how much to let things slide a little more for now and how much to lay those lines down and establish a sense of security through known expectations.  We are taking it one situation at a time and praying for wisdom.

Interestingly enough, it has been the same way with the older two, as well.  I have seen ways that Mali has 'regressed' a bit as she gets used to not being the 'baby' of the family anymore.  She tends to fight over Ellie's toys and wants to use all the baby items again like Ellie's sippy cups and such.  Whenever she sees us playing with or tickling Ellie she comes right over and asks us to do that to her too.  (Thankfully, this is done in a really sweet way of just wanting to be included in the fun).  She has been a little on the fussy side and cries much easier than usual. We are trying to make sure that she gets extra snuggle time and doesn't feel left out or 'replaced'.

Noah has just been plain grumpy most of the day though.  I have been surprised to see that the transition has been hardest on him.  I thought Mali would have the hardest time with having to share me and not be the youngest anymore but she is distracted enough with 'mothering' Ellie that it seems to at least take the edge off of all that.  Noah though, is clearly still needing to catch up on quality time after us being away for two weeks and the fact that daily life is different with a toddler around has been hard on him. He gets frustrated with having a little sister that gets into things and the fact that there are things that we have to wait to do until Ellie is napping or he has to go to his room with the door shut to do.  We are really encouraging him especially to talk about what he is feeling since his moodiness is more than from just getting up too early most mornings since we have been home.  Last night, as he was just sort of 'getting it all out' to put it in a nice way, he said that the only fun time of the day is when Ellie is napping.  Sigh.  He clearly loves her and when he does interact with her he is gentle and sweet, but it is an adjustment to live with a toddler.

For myself, I find that I feel pulled in so many different directions (three kids, a pile of laundry, suitcases to unpack, a house to get caught up with on cleaning, post Christmas clutter to sort through, etc.)  that I don't feel like I am doing anything well.  I have mommy guilt lingering from being gone from the other two for so long so I want to try to catch up with them and make sure they are getting enough from me now- That is a little harder though when I am chasing after a toddler all day.  As I see the kids struggling through adjusting to Ellie in their own ways, I want to help them as much as I can but I feel so split at times.  I feel so bad when I have to keep telling them that I just can't do what they are asking right then and I will try to create some time for it later.  I am also struggling with having zero personal time or space right now.  If I get up with Ellie around 6 in the morning (an adjustment in itself.  I am just not a morning person) then it is go go go till the minute we put the kids to bed around 8.  Which wouldn't be too different from how it used to be if we had a couple hours in the evening to recover but this week we are literally putting Noah and Mali to bed and going straight to our room to brush teeth and fall into bed.  I can't even shower (I have an audience of two little girls. Awkward) or go to the bathroom by myself right now let alone have a few minutes for reading my Bible (which I really need!).  I am just looking forward to finding our new rhythm and thankfully, I really do see little glimpses of that more and more every day.

There are adjustments and sacrifices we are all having to make but as we sat around the dinner table last night talking about it, we reminded the kids that it is far better to have Ellie here in our home getting into things and having to teach her how to be part of a family than for her to be in an orphanage with no family at all.  It is a big lesson for our kids to grasp but they have big enough hearts that in these moments of clarity they understand that.  We are all learning more about grace and patience and selfless love during this time, as well.  Hard?  Yes.  Worth it?  You bet.  But we are all going to be better individuals and stronger as a family for making 'one of the least of these' as our very own.

Getting to know each other

Jet lag is pretty much kicking our butts at this point, but other than that, the transition home is going beautifully.

I was so bummed to have missed our airport homecoming moment.  Especially since one of my college roommates who is a super talented photographer had driven up from OH to capture that time.  Since it didn't work out the way I had hoped, and since she her her hubby were already in town, they came over Friday morning and spent the day capturing all of our first moments figuring life out as a family. I shared the link to her blog post with some of the pictures she took in case you haven't seen them yet.  They are amazing!  It is a blessing that we will have the moments of that first day together as a family visually caught to remember forever.  :)

We have spent our first couple of days together letting the kids get to know each other and giving Ellie space to explore her home.  She is really not very keen on the cat so far.  She generally starts fussing and clinging onto one of us when she sees him.  She has gotten comfortable enough at times to try to touch him and she doesn't freak out or anything so I think she will be ok given a little more time.

She is such a laid back, happy girl that she seems to have a pretty easy time adapting to new environments.  Thankfully, she is attached enough to Marcus and I that her security seems established based on us being around when she is uncomfortable.  We are still being cautious about people holding her and will make sure for awhile that either Marcus or I am with her to be the one to meet her needs so that she can start to learn that she has a momma and a daddy that are the ones that take care of her and that she doesn't have multiple 'mommas' anymore.  I can sense her opening up a little more everyday with her physical affection towards us which I love.  :)

The kids have been rock stars with everything.  They are so super sweet with Ellie.  Mali is loving being a big sister and has already been teaching her how to play with babies and strollers and has the tendency to repeat everything I say to Ellie like a little momma.  :)  She is so gentle and sweet with her.  Whenever Ellie is sleeping, she repeatedly asks when she is going to wake up and says that she just wants to be with her.  When I tell her that she REALLY doesn't want Ellie to wake up before she should, I can't deny her the sweetness of going in to check on her and just look at her while she sleeps. :)

Noah isn't quite as focused on Ellie and has seemed to need more to catch up on time and attention with mommy and daddy but when he does interact with her, he uses the sweetest tone of voice and gentleness.  Friday night, as I was laying in bed with him telling him how proud I was of how well he did while we were gone even though it was hard to miss us so much sometimes, he said, "It was worth it.  I love our little Eleanor." Too stinkin' sweet.  And then last night, as Ellie was running around the house in her crazy tired mode, he said, "I love having a Chinese girl in our family."  Such innocent sweetness from a six year old big brother.  :)

We are so loving being home and basking in the reality of having three children finally.  God has been so good and faithful to us.  It still feels surreal at times but I see how fully God used the time we were waiting to prepare all of our hearts to receive this little girl and be able to whole-heartedly embrace her as our own.  We are in awe of the amazing little person she is and how she is blessing our family already.  As much as she might have needed us we needed her just as much.

Coming home

Wow!  What a whirlwind it has been since I last posted.  Why don't I recap our trip home and then will update you on how things are going now that we are home.  :)

On New Year's Day, we took a flight north again to Beijing.  We had an overnight stay in a hotel there but didn't want to pay for internet service so I wasn't able to blog but there wasn't a lot to catch you up on anyways.  Our flight didn't leave Beijing for Chicago until about 4:30 pm so we had some time to kill at the airport.  When we booked our flight, we tried to purchase the lap ticket for Ellie but since she didn't quite exist as our daughter yet, they told us they couldn't issue a ticket yet but just to come to the airport a little early with her documents and such and they would get it issued which is how it had worked for our in country flight to Beijing, as well.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Well, when we got there and explained the situation and what we had been told, they then told us that she was not in the system and that we would have to purchase a ticket for.  Ok, sure, we can do that.  Of course, it wasn't that simple.  She said that they were not ticket agents and that there weren't any at the airport so we would have to call and purchase one from an agent.  Sigh.  This might not have been as big of a deal if it would have been a local call like she told us and we could have used the public phone at the airport for free.  It was not however, and it would have cost us at least a dollar a minute to use that phone.  However, we did not get an international calling plan for our cell phones either, so either way we knew it was going to be painful.  Marcus got a hold of somebody and explained the situation and then was put on hold.  For a long time.  All the while we could all but hear the phone bill adding up.  He ended up hanging up and going back to the counter to get someone to help him.  Thankfully, one of the ladies ended up taking him "downstairs" where ever that was to let him use a phone and get everything straightened out eventually.

In the meantime, I was left with a cart full of luggage and a busy toddler who wanted to wander through the huge crowds of people.  Not a great combination.  We were also several hours past lunchtime at this point, so she was cranky and hungry.  I had a granola bar and I stretched that thing out about as long as I could.  Tiny little bite after tiny little bite.  As long as I was feeding her she would sit in my lap and hang out.  Oy.  I was super glad when Marcus finally came back to rescue me!  :)

When it was finally time to board, we were feeling BEYOND thankful for Marcus' boss having upgraded us to business class.  Seriously.  Have you ever flown business class?  We are talking hot towels, free drinks, warm nuts, a three course meal complete with cheese and wine afterwards and don't even get me started on the seats that fully recline.  AMAZING.  And to top it off, there ended up being a couple of open seats so the super sweet stewardess asked if another lady would mind switching with us so that we could have three seats together for Ellie to have her own seat.  What?  What a crazy extravagant blessing on top of an already crazy extravagant blessing!  Ellie was able to stretch out on her own seat and sleep for a solid 7 hours of the 12 hour flight.  Which meant that Marcus and I were also able to stretch out and each sleep for about 3-4 hours which proved to be quite necessary for what waited for us in Chicago...

We knew that our flight flight from Chicago to Grand Rapids had been cancelled and that things in Chicago didn't look good.  We spent the flight brainstorming our options and the idea of having to stay in yet another hotel and being so close to home without being able to actually be there was just too much.  As soon as we landed, Marcus called his companies travel agency and they were able to reserve us a car rental (and evena rented car seat) so that we could drive the rest of the way home.  It ended up taking us about 5 hours instead of 3 1/2 like it normally would and there were definitely some areas that you couldn't even see the lines on the highway but we made it in one piece.  Ellie was deliriously tired at this point and every time she would finally drift off to sleep she would wake up and stretch only to be reminded that she was buckled in and would start clawing at the car seat straps and crying.  Sigh.

Around midnight, we finally pulled into our driveway and had never in all our life been happier to be home.  It was so surreal to have stared at Ellie's picture for so long and imagined life with her running around our house and now we were finally walking in the door with her in our arms to begin life together as a family of five...

Hanging out in GZ

Not too much new going on right now.  We are just sort of hanging out biding our time until it is time to come home.  We have done some more exploring around town which is always an adventure.  :)  This morning, we had our consulate appointment in which they basically just needed to make sure all of our paperwork was in order for them to be able to issue Ellie's visa to come to the States.  We get to pick that up tomorrow and then on Wednesday we pack up and take a flight up to Beijing where we will stay over night before catching our flight home on Thursday.  We are on the downhill swing now for sure!

 I can't believe that we have only had Ellie for a week now.  She fits us so perfectly and seems to be understanding that we are her momma and baba or at least ok with being with us.  What an answer to prayer!  We are still going to need to be cautious about certain things when get home though just to make sure she really understands that we are it for her.  Not just anybody can be momma anymore.  Because she changed foster moms in the past couple of months, and now has changed who 'momma' is again, we want to make sure that there isn't any confusion that any woman who is nice and snuggly can be the one to take care of her.  That means that we aren't going to have other people holding her for awhile or doing basic care type things.  It is just going to take a little time to establish and cement her understanding of the sort of hierarchy of relationships for her.  Please don't be offended if we ask that you not hold her or ask her to come to you.  It is just the best thing for her right now.  Thanks in advance for your support and understanding!  ;)

Here are a few pictures from the past couple of days.  We are so excited to be starting to think about transitioning home!  :)  Though I am not looking forward to going through that jet lag again!

The party bus we have been traveling around in with the other families.  :)

We went to a King's tomb (didn't end up being as cool as it sounds) and Ellie at least thought that the kids room was fun.  Especially the box of pebbles- until she tried to eat them.  ;)

The daddies playing on the stairs with the girls.  :)

The CRAZY busy streets we had to navigate.  There are no words to describe
the craziness of this experience.   Your senses are assaulted in about every way possible.
I am definitely just a small town girl.  :)

So thankful for friends while we are here.  :)

Little friends hanging out.  It is so cute to watch them learn things from each other.  :)

Getting Ellie's visa.  She is soon to be the newest, cutest little American citizen!  :)

Exploring the beautiful Shaiman Island.

Ellie with one of the most famous statues for adoptive families on the island.
She fits right in. :)  Whenever we stand still for very long and especially if we stop and
take pictures we end up drawing quite a crowd.  Within a minute of snapping this picture we
had a group of people around us taking pictures of her and us as well.  So weird.

So much cuteness!

Eating pictures are just so cute :)

Sleeping pictures are even cuter!  :)

We braved the streets again in search of dinner. (I know it is blurry but it just captures
the chaos of it that much more accurately)  ;)

When all else fails....  ;)

The girls just chillin' in their strollers together.  :)