Worth it

So I have been pretty quiet on here since the disappointment of not getting a referral a couple of weeks ago. To be honest, I haven't really known exactly how I felt about it all or even able to articulate it as I processed through it.

Obviously, we did not get the referral that we were so greatly hoping for.  The list that was released was very small and there were not any children that were a match for us.  This meant that under normal circumstances, we would have to wait another month for the next list to come out and another chance at being matched.  Well, like most of this journey so far, normal doesn't really apply.  Today, would have been the normal time for the list to be released.  It is usually released the last Monday of the month.  However, they are in the process of implementing a new online system for how they log families in and are directing energy and resources towards getting that up instead of working through files.  It seems likely that that is why the list was so small a couple of weeks ago and also why the list did not come out today.  This coming week is when they are switching over to the new system and so there has been no word on a list.  We have absolutely no idea when we might hear something.  Maybe they will release a list after this week of getting the new system up and running but maybe they will just wait until the end of next month and skip this one altogether.  The list might be really small again when they do release it if they haven't been working through files as much and there might be a bigger pool of families waiting on those files because there has been such a delay.  Really we are just right back to having absolutely no idea about what to expect by way of timing and absolutely no power to do anything about it.  It has been a hard couple of weeks to process all that.  After feeling like we were so close to seeing her face, we are back to not knowing anything about anything.

I have had moments of intense discouragement and frustration and doubt these past couple of weeks but God has been in those moments with me whispering encouragement and hope at the same time.  I am reminded of a quote about adoption from Jen Hatmaker (one of my favorite bloggers):
           
   "When you say YES to adoption, you are saying YES to enter the suffering of the orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM. I promise you, their suffering is worse than yours. We say YES to the tears, YES to the longing, YES to the maddening process, YES to the money, YES to hope, YES to the screaming frustration of it all, YES to going the distance through every unforeseen discouragement and delay. Do not imagine that something outside of "your perfect plan" means you heard God wrong. There is NO perfect adoption. EVERY adoption has snags. We Americans invented the "show me a sign" or "this is a sign" or "this must mean God is closing a door" or "God must not be in this because it is hard," but all that is garbage. You know what's hard? Being an orphan. They need us to be champions and heroes for them, fighting like hell to get them home. So we will. We may cry and rage and scream and wail in the process, but get them home we will."

I am encouraged by her heart and passion for adoption.  I am encouraged to keep fighting (even if most of it is just a battle within my own heart and mind) to keep strong in the wait to bring our little girl home.  I am also encouraged by the idea that just because something is hard or doesn't seem to be going 'right' does not mean that God is not in it.  Every friend of mine that has adopted have had journey's that were not what they 'expected'.  Often harder and more challenging and uncomfortable than they imagined.  But do you know what God spoke to me today?  It is a blessing.  It is a blessing to have your expectations challenged and changed.  It is a blessing to learn that sometimes it is ESPECIALLY when things are hard that God is in it.  

After all, if it were an easy and smooth process to get your child home and everything went exactly as you planned, then what happens when things get hard?  What happens when your child has a hard time adjusting?  What happens when there is a medical condition that you did not expect or plan for?  What happens when paperwork doesn't go through when it should or caseworkers make decisions that they shouldn't?  Would you start to doubt that maybe adoption isn't what God called you to after all?  But thank goodness for The Lord having deepened our resolve and determination before that child was even ours.  We already know what it is to fight for them and to change and adjust our expectations as we go.  We know heart ache and heart break.  We know what it is to question where God is in it all and wait for Him to show us.  We know that when we don't understand any of the 'whys' we can trust the One who leads us on.  We know how to celebrate each little 'victory' and success even in the midst of confusion and doubt.  We know how to live one step at a time, because each step, however small, gets us that much closer to our child. 

I have had a couple of friend's asking about adopting from China in the last couple of weeks.   Even in the midst of my own emotional struggle with it, I have not hesitated to excitedly answer any questions they had or to encourage them to look into it and consider it.  That tells me that even as hard as it gets sometimes, it is so completely worth it.  Growing deeper in my faith is worth it.  Allowing God to grow me and teach me is worth it.  Adopting and redeeming a life is worth it.  My child... is worth it.