"Prisoner of Hope"

Let me just start by saying that we have gotten word this week that the list is, indeed, being posted Monday evening.  I am so excited by this but at the same time, I feel like it is now a cautious excitement.  I have shared with M that it seems like with all of our kiddos, I have not been able to have the naive, innocent excitement of expectation that many do.  Before we were pregnant with our little man, we had two miscarriages and because of those, I went into both of the following pregnancies with excitement and hope but an excitement and hope that were tempered with the first-hand knowledge that just because you are pregnant does not mean you will have the joy of meeting that baby on this side of heaven.  It feels that way a bit with this child as well.  After having two times of hope and excitement being dashed and pushed back, my heart feels a bit more guarded knowing that just because the list is supposed to be coming out, you never know what might happen.  I also know that just because the list is being released, we might not get matched this time around.  So I am hoping, but cautiously so.

Which leads perfectly into the idea of being a 'prisoner of hope'.  I was reading through some verses the other day about what God says about disappointment.  A verse that I came across was Zechariah 9:12.  It reads, "Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you."  As I read the words, I could feel my heart catch.  Prisoners of hope.  I wasn't even quite sure what it meant, but I knew that it resonated with me.  I am still puzzling through it some but this is what I have been thinking.

To be a prisoner of something means to be captive to it.  You can not get away even if you 'wanted' to.  So to be a prisoner of hope means to be captive to hope.  There is a bit of a paradox going on in this statement that feels so true to me.  You generally think that to be a prisoner would be a bad thing and that hope is a good thing so the two would not initially seem to go together.  But what better thing to be captive to than hope?

As much as my heart wants to close down and protect itself when disappointment comes, especially when it happens time and time again, I can not help but to keep hoping.  Even when it hurts to do so, and I try to tell myself that I won't anymore, there is always a seed of hope that begins to sprout again.  When our hearts desire something deeply enough, especially when it is a desire that God has planted, He will remain the gardener that tends to that little seed to nurture it and protect it and grow it until it blossoms.  Sometimes it takes longer than we would like.  Sometimes it ends up looking different than we thought it would.  Sometimes the process is so very different than we expected.  But with hope, that little seed will eventually blossom into exactly what the Gardener planted and desired.

We don't, and ultimately can't, lose hope when we fully understand and trust that God is who He says He is. He is 'faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made' and he will 'satisfy the desires of every living thing' (Psalm 145:13, 16).  I am a prisoner to hope because I trust God's faithfulness and goodness to me.  When my flesh is hurting and doubting, I want to choose to have my spirit continue to trust.  Just like David did when his feelings were telling him one thing about his circumstances, he commanded his spirit to choose to praise God and trust in Him until he could see a clearer picture of what God sees.

For all I know, our daughter's file was not ready two weeks ago and so God in his loving kindness delayed the posting for a few weeks so that her file would be available to us.  Did God enjoy seeing me hurting and doubting.  No, of course not.  But He can see things so much clearer than me and because of that, I will choose to follow His lead instead of my own limited sight.

I do not know what Monday night will bring.  I am praying that it will be one of the most joyful and memorable moments of my life- seeing the face of the child that I have been longing for for years now.  But if that doesn't happen?  I will take time to be honest with God about my hurt and disappointment and doubts and then give them over in trust of His will. And then? Then, I will return to my fortress as a prisoner of hope, trusting and waiting for God to restore twice as much to me as I have even asked for whatever that may look like.