The day that should have been

There is nothing more disappointing than disappointment- and I have had my fair share of disappointment in this adoption journey so far.  The Lord has closed doors, redirected when I was sure we were on the right path, taken longer to draw M's heart alongside mine than I would have liked, and asked me to wait and trust time and time again.  This Thursday was another one of those times.

We had been told that the list ('The List' is the release of new files of children that are eligible to be adopted) was going to be coming out on the 22nd and I was so nervous that we wouldn't get logged into the system in China in time to be eligible to be matched then.  Well, we got word on the 17th that we had been logged in and I was ecstatic!  We were visiting my sister since M was in Budapest for work so he totally missed my jumping up and down happy dance that I tend to do when we have hit major milestones for the adoption.  I could not believe that we could be getting to see our little girl's face in less than a week!

Then disappointment came.  The list was not going to be coming out on the 22nd after all, but the following Monday instead.  We were so close only to be pushed out another week.  Very disappointing, but I only had to make it another week.  I could do it.

I had made it past the 'day that should have been' on the 22nd and was almost to the home stretch of the weekend when disappointment came again.  On Thursday, I was talking with one of our contacts at the agency and found out that the list was most likely going to be pushed back again because of a holiday in China on Monday.  Oh, my lands.  My heart did not want to hear that.  Thursday morning was spent with a very puffy face and a heavy heart.

It is hard to explain why it hit me so hard.  To most people it seems like, "Just one more week.  It isn't great news but not that big of a deal.  God's timing is perfect and He has it all worked out'.  This is all true, but to a heart that has been waiting and hoping for so long, there are times that yet another week when you had thought you were finally so close can seem like a hundred.  We have been on this journey for three years now and it has always been this surreal sort of 'concept'.  We know that we have done an insane amount of paperwork and process so that we can adopt this child that is out there somewhere but it has never been more solid than that.  We have never had a face to go with the waiting and wanting- nor a firm deadline of when we might.  Just hopeful indefinite waiting.

So to be put off from finally having the reality of what all this waiting and working and hoping has been for was extremely hard.  (Not to mention it was timed with some 'not so great at handling bad news' hormones, if you know what I mean).  I can not put into words how desperately my heart longs to see her face and know who she is.

Thankfully, I have a God who knows my heart.  He knew how badly that news was going to affect me right then and that I was going to deeply need to hear from Him to reassure me that all of my fears (like this is never going to happen) were not Truth and that my heart was safe with Him in the struggle.  I was able to spend some time reading my Bible later in the afternoon and God did what He often does through His word and spoke to me. He spoke the exact words I needed to hear that answered my prayers of questioning and doubt and longing earlier in the day.  This is what He told me,

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.  The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them."  Psalm 145:13-19

He reassured me that He is faithful to all His promises. He reassured me that He loves me and that He is close by when I am hurting.  He reassured me that he gives us what we need at just the right time and that He satisfies the desires of my heart.  O, how I needed to hear that He satisfies and fulfills the desires of our hearts in that moment to be able to keep trusting and hoping.

Well, I have made it through another 'day that should have been'.  I am hoping that this means we are in the countdown again to seeing our little girls picture.  By Friday, we will have hopefully heard that the list is, indeed, coming out on the 6th.  I have plenty of fears of it getting moved back again.  I also fear that even if it comes out, we won't get matched that round and will have to go through it all again the next month.  But the Lord continues to speak to those fears reassuring me and I continue to be a 'prisoner of hope'.  Hope has gotten me this far.  It has carried me through today and it will carry me through however many days there are between today and the day that I have my little girl in my arms.


(Explanation of 'prisoner of hope' to come in my next blog. Just a little something to whet your appetite for the next post... ;) )