Whew. We made it to China. Having never flown internationally that flight was definitely an experience for me. Thankfully, it was uneventful and even ahead of schedule but by about the 8 hour mark, I started feeling a little stir crazy. By the time we hit the 11th hour, as I was walking back to my seat after a bathroom and stretching break, there was a tiny voice inside of me saying, "Please, no. Don't make me go back to that seat!". ;) It really wasn't the worst thing ever but let me tell you that I am asking for even more prayers for the way home doing that with a toddler!
In many ways, the flight was emotional for me. Our flight was made up of about 75% students that were headed home for the holidays. I had the pleasure of sitting next to one of these students and let me just tell you that it wrecked me in so many ways. Her name was Ying and she is about one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She just spent her first semester away from home at the Chicago Art Institute studying film. She was so very excited to get home to see her parents. Part way through the flight it hit me pretty hard. Getting to know Ying was like a glimpse into the future that Ellie will never know. Here was this beautiful young Chinese woman who though she was born a girl, grew up as an only child, was loved well by her Chinese parents, and now has the opportunity to not only go to university but to study abroad.
How would Ellie's life have looked had she been born to a family with resources to feed her if she could not breastfeed or afford to give her the medical care that she needed? How would her life have looked if she had been born without a cleft lip and palate? There are so many complicated reasons that go into why babies are abandoned here but it is heartbreaking nonetheless. It is heartbreaking for not only the children, but for the birth families that lose these children, as well.
As I was thinking about this lost future Ellie might have known, my heart turned towards her birth mother and broke even further. I can not imagine the depth of grief that she has known. Mothers in China are no different. Though they live in a place that customs and culture and circumstances sometimes force them to give up even their children, do not think for one moment that they do not feel it. I can only imagine what those few days after Ellie was born were like for her birth mother. With a cleft, she was likely not able to breastfeed because she could not suck. If her family was poor, they would not have been able to afford formula in the short term and medical care in the long term. What is a mother to do? In the US we do not live in a world where poverty and the lack of access to medical care would ever force us to make the hardest decision of our life. In our world, there are programs to help with these things and a person, let alone a child is not forced to pay for a medical bill before any care is given.
In my mind, I see a heartbroken mother knowing that the only chance for her child to have a hope of a future and perhaps even just to stay alive is to give them up. Ellie's birthmother loved her. I know that without a doubt. She was loved enough to be kept alive even when her birth defect was known (for many children this is sadly not true). She was loved enough that she was taken to and left at an orphanage on the front steps where she was bound to be found quickly and taken care of immediately. Did her birthmother hide nearby to make sure her precious daughter was taken in? Did she kiss her face all over and drink in the last few glimpses of the daughter she gave birth to before she laid her down? Did she whisper her first given name one last time as she said goodbye? There are so many questions that we will never know the answer to and this breaks my heart.
I feel forever linked to her birthmother in so many ways. I have to imagine that as a mother, she will always wonder about her daughter- Always pray that somebody loves her the way that she couldn't. I am sure as the years pass by, she will think of her on her birthday and wonder where she is and how she is. And I will always pray for her. For her to find comfort in her loss. For her to find the love and hope of the Savior. For her to somehow know that though she could not be the one to watch her daughter grow and flourish, there is someone who loves her just the way a mother should. That she has a Mamma and a Babba and a brother and a sister and Grandmas and Grandpas and Aunts and Uncles and cousins and friends that loved her before they even met her and are embracing her wholeheartedly as one of their own.
I share a daughter with this woman. "A child born to another woman calls me mom. The depth of that tragedy and the magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me." I think of this quote often when I think of Ellie's birthmother. Though I mourn for all that Ellie has lost and will be losing in the next couple of weeks, her birth family, her culture, her homeland, her chance to grow up in the world that she was born into, I am beyond humbled that God has chosen us to help rewrite the trajectory of so much loss. He has always seen her. He has been holding her since before she was born. He wept with her birthmother the day they lost each other. He weeps that we are living in a world that poverty and birth defects and cultural beliefs separate a family that He brought together. But He doesn't give up. He set a new plan into motion that led us to move mountains to bring home a little girl that we had never met. He placed a love in our hearts for her before we had even seen a picture of her. He is taking the ashes of a lost little girl's life and creating something new and beautiful. He has brought new hope to her life and we are just blessed enough to get to be apart that story. And He wants to do that for each and every one of us.
Today, Ellie shares a 'family name' with all the other littles that have been through her particular orphanage. By the end of the week, she will share a name with a family that has cried over her and prayed over her for years before they knew anything about her. By the end of the week, she will be mine.
Beautiful!
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