If you haven't seen our news yet then here is the big announcement: We got our TA yesterday! It was another long, emotional three week wait to get it. That is about the longest people have to wait for their TA so it was not fun to have to be on that side of the scale. I thought we would be overjoyed when we finally got the news but that great news got over shadowed by the devastating news that our agency was not going to work with us to get us out next week like we had planned. We know that it is possible for people to get their TA's and leave the next week. People have gotten TA's this Monday and left yesterday. For whatever reason though, our agency is now telling us that that is not possible- that the provinces can not get the paperwork together that quickly and that we are going to have to wait an extra week to go. It was like a punch in the gut that knocks the wind right out of you and we are still trying to catch our breath. If I am being honest with you, I have vacillated between not being able to stop crying at the thought of missing yet another week with my little girl to being royally ticked off with our agencies unwillingness to help make things work.
Well, it is just one more week, right? Yes. That is true. I know that once we have her and are home then we probably won't even remember that it took us one week longer to get to her but it is frustrating. It is frustrating that air fare is going to be TWICE as much as if we left next week because of the holidays. It is frustrating that we are going to have to miss two holidays with our other littles instead of just one. It is frustrating that we are missing another week with our daughter who is by now back to the orphanage with people that she doesn't know and is already experiencing the loss and confusion of losing her foster family. And it is frustrating that it seems like we could go next week if only our agency was willing to try.
Through all the anger and frustration and sadness I have been feeling though, I have heard the whispers of the Lord breaking through. He is asking me if I still trust Him when nothing about this timing makes sense. Do I trust that He is still good and still leading the way if it looks different than I think it should. Do I trust that it is still His will even if it requires more discomfort or sacrifice than I would like? Will I trust that even when I pray big prayers and ask for miracles that He chooses to answer in a different way that He is still sovereign and holds the world in His hands. Will I hold onto my anger and miss out on my joy?
I have been praying for years for God's timing in our adoption. It has stretched me and grown me in ways I could not have imagined. So often I have felt like a lost little girl that doesn't know what way to go but knows that she can trust her Abba Father to lead even when she is scared to take another step. I have trusted God to set the path even when it made no sense- like closing our domestic profile when we were so close to getting a placement only to start all over again in China. And yet here we are. Leaving in two weeks to bring home this precious little girl that the Lord is blessing us with. If we have been obedient in following God's leading and praying for His timing then how can I question it now? He has not changed. He is not any less faithful or good.
I have also been praying that God would use me and our family through this adoption process for His glory. I have had images of Him answering big prayers in miraculous ways and us being able to shout His praises to all the world. But do you know what I am hearing? I hear God challenging me to bring Him glory by being faithful in struggle. By choosing to see that He doesn't change even if my emotions do. Will I choose to humble myself in trust of Him and praise Him when I don't understand the way He is working? Can I tell people that my God is big enough and good enough that if I don't see the full picture of why He might be answering a certain way that I know without a doubt that His reasons are still for my good?
The answer to those questions, my friends, is yes. I will and I can because He is. I can now count down the days until I hold my little girl. This is my last 'wait' and there is a definite end in sight. No more waiting to get to the next wait to get to the next wait. Just waiting to get on a plane on the 19th of December to fly across the world to bring my little girl home forever. And we will be rejoicing, "Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness"!!!!
Thank you all so much for the ways that you have come alongside of us in this journey. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement and love. The best is yet to come... SOON! :) Stay tuned for more details!
Friday, December 6, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
"Is anything too hard for me?"
I haven't really been posting very consistently. The biggest reason for this? On any given day, my thoughts and emotions are so all over the place that by the time I would be able to finish the blog post, they would have changed so many times that you all would probably be ready to have me evaluated for schizophrenia. Seriously. It is not pretty inside an adopting momma's heart and brain. ;)
However, as we are nearing the finish line, I thought I would give you an update and invite you to join us in praying over these last few steps. :)
Right now, we are waiting for our Article 5 to be picked up which is a two week process. The Art 5 is basically visa information so that Ellie will be able to come home at the end of our trip. We are a week into that wait. Our Art 5 is scheduled to be picked up on the 14th. From there it is forwarded on and we will just be waiting for China to issue our TA (travel approval). This is our formal invitation to come to China! Once we have this in hand, our agency can call to schedule our Consulate Appointment that happens at the end of our trip and then we book our tickets!!!! (This happens in just the day or two after our TA comes).
TA 'normally' takes 2-3 weeks. Like most of our experience with this adoption, there is no real rhyme or reason for how things actually end up going with timing. Right now, we are SERIOUSLY praying for our TA to come before Thanksgiving and for us to be able to get a CA the week before Christmas so that we can leave on December 5th. There are several reasons for this. First of all, we are just plain tired of waiting. We want our baby girl home and we don't want to wait another week. Second, we really, really, REALLY want to be together for Christmas. If we leave later than the 5th then we will still be in China during Christmas and will be missing our other two littles like crazy! Thirdly, ticket prices jump significantly between the 5th and the 12th (with the way appointments and such work out, we will fly out on a Thursday whenever we go). We are talking at LEAST $600 or $700 a ticket! Ouch. Soooo, we are praying for a little miracle for our family. :)
The other thing that we are REALLY praying for is that friends of ours will receive the same miracle. They are on the same timeline as us to bring their little girl home and are from Grand Rapids as well. I have been praying for some time now that we would be able to travel with someone or at least meet someone while we were there that we could connect with that will be going through the same experience as us. Well, just a couple of weeks ago, our agency connected us with these very people. :) We have been on the same timeline since receiving our LOA on the very same day and it has been such a blessing to walk through these last steps with them. Jodi and I have fussed over all the little details of paperwork and process together and we have been able to share the roller coaster of emotions and encourage each other to hang in there. :) Their Art 5 pick up is a couple of days behind ours but we are hoping to get our TA at the same time. If we can go at the same time, we would be able to spend the second week, after we have our girls, together in Guangzhou. What a blessing it would be to have that support from each other on the other side of the world!
So the reality is, we are getting close. Though I have to admit that most days it feels like it is still so far away. It turns out, four weeks feels about the same as six. The closer we get, the more time seems to stretch out and slow down. The wait for our Art 5 is seeming to take forever and I imagine that when we begin our TA wait, time will slow down even more. The closer we get, the more desperate I am to just go. I don't want to wait anymore. I am trying to remind myself that within a month, I should finally know when I am going to hold my little girl for the first time. I am trying to remind myself that I don't want to miss out on these last few weeks with my little family as we know it. I am trying to remind myself that the time will indeed pass and before I know it, I am probably going to be freaking out because we are leaving in a matter of days.
I don't want to miss out on this time now, but I don't want to miss out on another second of my daughter's life either. It is a strange paradox to live in, this adoption world.
Please, pray for us? Pray for my sanity! Pray for our hearts to be prepared for however life is about to change. Pray for patience and trust in God's timing. Pray for finances to continue to work out as the bulk of the expenses come to a head. Pray for God to show us His favor in bringing TA quickly. And please, pray for our little girl. We are so excited to be able to bring her home but these next couple of months are going to mean so much loss and confusion and fear for her. I just want to be able to love her and help her grieve and adjust the best that we can.
Like I said on FB, I hope that you will join us in sending up a deafening chorus of prayers to God asking Him to move on our behalf. There is so much power in prayer and we are asking for yours!
"I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jer 32:27
However, as we are nearing the finish line, I thought I would give you an update and invite you to join us in praying over these last few steps. :)
Right now, we are waiting for our Article 5 to be picked up which is a two week process. The Art 5 is basically visa information so that Ellie will be able to come home at the end of our trip. We are a week into that wait. Our Art 5 is scheduled to be picked up on the 14th. From there it is forwarded on and we will just be waiting for China to issue our TA (travel approval). This is our formal invitation to come to China! Once we have this in hand, our agency can call to schedule our Consulate Appointment that happens at the end of our trip and then we book our tickets!!!! (This happens in just the day or two after our TA comes).
TA 'normally' takes 2-3 weeks. Like most of our experience with this adoption, there is no real rhyme or reason for how things actually end up going with timing. Right now, we are SERIOUSLY praying for our TA to come before Thanksgiving and for us to be able to get a CA the week before Christmas so that we can leave on December 5th. There are several reasons for this. First of all, we are just plain tired of waiting. We want our baby girl home and we don't want to wait another week. Second, we really, really, REALLY want to be together for Christmas. If we leave later than the 5th then we will still be in China during Christmas and will be missing our other two littles like crazy! Thirdly, ticket prices jump significantly between the 5th and the 12th (with the way appointments and such work out, we will fly out on a Thursday whenever we go). We are talking at LEAST $600 or $700 a ticket! Ouch. Soooo, we are praying for a little miracle for our family. :)
The other thing that we are REALLY praying for is that friends of ours will receive the same miracle. They are on the same timeline as us to bring their little girl home and are from Grand Rapids as well. I have been praying for some time now that we would be able to travel with someone or at least meet someone while we were there that we could connect with that will be going through the same experience as us. Well, just a couple of weeks ago, our agency connected us with these very people. :) We have been on the same timeline since receiving our LOA on the very same day and it has been such a blessing to walk through these last steps with them. Jodi and I have fussed over all the little details of paperwork and process together and we have been able to share the roller coaster of emotions and encourage each other to hang in there. :) Their Art 5 pick up is a couple of days behind ours but we are hoping to get our TA at the same time. If we can go at the same time, we would be able to spend the second week, after we have our girls, together in Guangzhou. What a blessing it would be to have that support from each other on the other side of the world!
So the reality is, we are getting close. Though I have to admit that most days it feels like it is still so far away. It turns out, four weeks feels about the same as six. The closer we get, the more time seems to stretch out and slow down. The wait for our Art 5 is seeming to take forever and I imagine that when we begin our TA wait, time will slow down even more. The closer we get, the more desperate I am to just go. I don't want to wait anymore. I am trying to remind myself that within a month, I should finally know when I am going to hold my little girl for the first time. I am trying to remind myself that I don't want to miss out on these last few weeks with my little family as we know it. I am trying to remind myself that the time will indeed pass and before I know it, I am probably going to be freaking out because we are leaving in a matter of days.
I don't want to miss out on this time now, but I don't want to miss out on another second of my daughter's life either. It is a strange paradox to live in, this adoption world.
Please, pray for us? Pray for my sanity! Pray for our hearts to be prepared for however life is about to change. Pray for patience and trust in God's timing. Pray for finances to continue to work out as the bulk of the expenses come to a head. Pray for God to show us His favor in bringing TA quickly. And please, pray for our little girl. We are so excited to be able to bring her home but these next couple of months are going to mean so much loss and confusion and fear for her. I just want to be able to love her and help her grieve and adjust the best that we can.
Like I said on FB, I hope that you will join us in sending up a deafening chorus of prayers to God asking Him to move on our behalf. There is so much power in prayer and we are asking for yours!
"I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jer 32:27
Friday, October 4, 2013
In His timing...
As many of you know from me blasting the good news on FB, we got our LOA this week!!!! The crazy part about it is that after waiting 81 days, God decided to have it come through in a week that it 'shouldn't' have. We had prepared ourselves the week before to not expect any progress to be made this week because it is a holiday week in China. The legal holidays were on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday but I am sure it is much like our Christmas time where the whole week is pretty much shot for hoping to get anything done.
I was very disappointed when I found out about the holiday week because from what I had heard, all we were waiting on the previous week was a signature from the department director so that our LOA could be issued. I was feeling very frustrated on Friday when nothing came through and I knew we were going to have to wait the week out waiting only for the signature. Though I was trying to give it all over to God and trust Him in His timing, I couldn't help but send up a quiet prayer that He would work a little miracle and somehow have it come through this week. When Monday came and went and there wasn't any word, I figured we would for sure be waiting until next week.
On Tuesday Sis had a field trip with her preschool class and as I was helping the kids get through the line at the potty before we left, my phone started ringing and I saw that it was from the agency. Well, any time the agency calls you can't help but jump and I ran outside to call them back. At first I couldn't get a hold of our contact there but finally I got through to her and she told me that somehow our status had been changed online and our LOA had been issued. My heart just about burst! You could actually hear the surprise in her voice that it had come through this week. She said that we would have to wait it out to see if they had actually got it in the mail on Monday before the holiday as well. We could see it as early as Friday if we were lucky but otherwise, it would be next week after the holiday. It wasn't in my hands yet but it was coming! I was so excited and so praising God for His faithfulness.
Well, then God wasn't done showing off and not only did the LOA come this week, but it was here a day earlier than it 'should' have been. :) Once again, I got a phone call from the contact at the agency with surprise in her voice again that it was here. Oh happy day! I drove all the way over to the agency that day just so I could have it in my hands. We could check the box and sign our names to formally accept the referral of our sweet little Chen Jiao. :)
As I reflect on what God did this week, I am humbled by how intentionally He chooses to speak to us at times. God could have brought that little piece of paper to us at anytime in the last 81 days. It has been SUCH a long, heart-wearying process. If I am totally honest with you, there have been times that my heart started doubting that God was in control of it all. It felt like we were at the whim of imperfect processes and paperwork. What was our life and child at stake in our minds was just a job to someone else across the ocean. I can't tell you how thankful I am of God's gentle but powerful reminders to the contrary. Whether it was rainbows to remind me that God is always faithful to His promises or verses of scripture that spoke straight to my heart, He always knew when I most needed to hear from Him. What God did this week is just another reminder of how intimately involved He is and how much He wants us to be aware of it- of Him. Like I said, He could have sent it any time. But instead, He waited until a week that as far as the process and the people involved go, it 'should' not have happened. And then, not only did it come this week but it came EARLY this week. A poignant reminder that He is, in fact, powerful over the process and is leading the way. It is in HIS timing. Not my timing. Not China's timing. Not in the U.S.'s timing. His.
We still have several more steps to go before we leave for China. Now we are waiting for our request for her immigration to be approved. That 'should' take about 3 weeks. Then there is a week's wait for the approval to be 'cabled' to China. Another 2 weeks for her visa to be sorted out. Then we will be waiting for our Travel Approval (TA) which is a formal invitation from China to come and get her. :) This usually takes 2-3 wks. Once we have that, our agency can schedule our Consulate Appointment (CA) and based on when that appointment is, we schedule our trip (usually set for about two weeks after TA). Thankfully, all the steps from here have shorter wait times and will hopefully feel much more like 'active waiting'.
I can't say that in the next several months I won't get caught up in the waiting and longing and craziness of paperwork and red tape. I can't say that I won't slip into doubts and fears and worries. I can't say that I won't cry out to God to make the time go faster. But what I can say is this. My God is faithful. My God is good. And in His timing, we will be face to face with a little girl who has rooted herself into the depths of my heart long before I ever held her in my arms.
I was very disappointed when I found out about the holiday week because from what I had heard, all we were waiting on the previous week was a signature from the department director so that our LOA could be issued. I was feeling very frustrated on Friday when nothing came through and I knew we were going to have to wait the week out waiting only for the signature. Though I was trying to give it all over to God and trust Him in His timing, I couldn't help but send up a quiet prayer that He would work a little miracle and somehow have it come through this week. When Monday came and went and there wasn't any word, I figured we would for sure be waiting until next week.
On Tuesday Sis had a field trip with her preschool class and as I was helping the kids get through the line at the potty before we left, my phone started ringing and I saw that it was from the agency. Well, any time the agency calls you can't help but jump and I ran outside to call them back. At first I couldn't get a hold of our contact there but finally I got through to her and she told me that somehow our status had been changed online and our LOA had been issued. My heart just about burst! You could actually hear the surprise in her voice that it had come through this week. She said that we would have to wait it out to see if they had actually got it in the mail on Monday before the holiday as well. We could see it as early as Friday if we were lucky but otherwise, it would be next week after the holiday. It wasn't in my hands yet but it was coming! I was so excited and so praising God for His faithfulness.
Well, then God wasn't done showing off and not only did the LOA come this week, but it was here a day earlier than it 'should' have been. :) Once again, I got a phone call from the contact at the agency with surprise in her voice again that it was here. Oh happy day! I drove all the way over to the agency that day just so I could have it in my hands. We could check the box and sign our names to formally accept the referral of our sweet little Chen Jiao. :)
As I reflect on what God did this week, I am humbled by how intentionally He chooses to speak to us at times. God could have brought that little piece of paper to us at anytime in the last 81 days. It has been SUCH a long, heart-wearying process. If I am totally honest with you, there have been times that my heart started doubting that God was in control of it all. It felt like we were at the whim of imperfect processes and paperwork. What was our life and child at stake in our minds was just a job to someone else across the ocean. I can't tell you how thankful I am of God's gentle but powerful reminders to the contrary. Whether it was rainbows to remind me that God is always faithful to His promises or verses of scripture that spoke straight to my heart, He always knew when I most needed to hear from Him. What God did this week is just another reminder of how intimately involved He is and how much He wants us to be aware of it- of Him. Like I said, He could have sent it any time. But instead, He waited until a week that as far as the process and the people involved go, it 'should' not have happened. And then, not only did it come this week but it came EARLY this week. A poignant reminder that He is, in fact, powerful over the process and is leading the way. It is in HIS timing. Not my timing. Not China's timing. Not in the U.S.'s timing. His.
We still have several more steps to go before we leave for China. Now we are waiting for our request for her immigration to be approved. That 'should' take about 3 weeks. Then there is a week's wait for the approval to be 'cabled' to China. Another 2 weeks for her visa to be sorted out. Then we will be waiting for our Travel Approval (TA) which is a formal invitation from China to come and get her. :) This usually takes 2-3 wks. Once we have that, our agency can schedule our Consulate Appointment (CA) and based on when that appointment is, we schedule our trip (usually set for about two weeks after TA). Thankfully, all the steps from here have shorter wait times and will hopefully feel much more like 'active waiting'.
I can't say that in the next several months I won't get caught up in the waiting and longing and craziness of paperwork and red tape. I can't say that I won't slip into doubts and fears and worries. I can't say that I won't cry out to God to make the time go faster. But what I can say is this. My God is faithful. My God is good. And in His timing, we will be face to face with a little girl who has rooted herself into the depths of my heart long before I ever held her in my arms.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Another month gone by
Sunday marks one month since we have gotten to see our little girl's sweet face. It still feels so surreal to know that we have a daughter on the opposite side of the world that has no idea about the family longing to bring her home. And, oh, how I long to.
The first couple of weeks went by with me floating on a cloud of joy. Sure, I could feel the enemy pressing in at times attempting to 'kill, steal and destroy" my joy, but in the wake of such glorious news, it was easy to fight it off and bask in the glow of the image of her sweet little face. I would look at her picture a hundred times a day just trying to get myself to believe that it was real. That we had finally been matched and that we were finally starting the end of the journey of bringing her home.
I have to admit though, that as the weeks have slipped by, it is getting harder again. I am just so weary of waiting. Every fiber of my being wants to climb aboard a plane and travel across the world to my little girl. I feel incomplete. I feel like a part of me is missing and it is. She is not home yet. I can not hold her and kiss her and see her smile or hear her laugh. Looking at her picture is becoming painful because it is just that- a picture.
I know that there is a high likely hood that the couple of months after she is home is going to be a whirlwind of all kinds of craziness but I am ready for it. I am tired of imaging what it might be like when we first meet her or how our first couple of weeks in China with her will go. Will she warm up to us quickly? Will we be able to figure each other out easily or will we struggle? Will the kids actually be happy to have her home or will it be much more than they were expecting? Will she be able to adjust to being 'home' when it doesn't feel like home? I don't and can't know the answers to the millions of questions that run through my head every single day. I read blogs to try to get an idea of how things might go but that isn't our story. It is different for everyone and I am starting to make myself crazy with the wondering.
I thought that when we had that picture of her it would make things easier- Just to know that she was real and that we were finally moving towards her- and it has in a lot of ways. But in other ways, it has seemed to make time go even slower. My arms almost physically ache some days to be able to hold her. I do not have any pictures of what her little face looks like when it lights up with a smile and I long to know. Does her nose crinkle? Do her eyes all but disappear? Can she not help but to giggle? Or is she more stoic?
Worst of all, is that we are still waiting for our LOA (Letter of Approval) which is basically the official word from China that we can adopt her. It hasn't been an out of the ordinary amount of time but a month has felt plenty long, especially when waiting to make sure that even though we have fully made her ours in our heart, we will have permission from China to make it legal. After we get our LOA which is generally the last major unpredictable wait time for paperwork turnaround, they say it is downhill from there. There will still be a couple of months wait from there but it is one step closer and the other things should fall into place a little quicker. And most importantly we will know that we are approved to make her our own.
Will you pray for me? Will you pray for my heart to not get discouraged in the wait. (Can I just tell you that at this point the word "wait" makes me internally cringe.) Will you pray that things will continue moving and we will see the light at the end of the tunnel? Will you pray for our little girl to be healthy and happy as she unknowingly waits for her mama and baba to come for her? Will you pray that my heart will find peace in God's timing and will remember to celebrate the blessings along the way? And will you pray that I will be able to resist the temptation of sneaking aboard a plane headed for China? :)
The first couple of weeks went by with me floating on a cloud of joy. Sure, I could feel the enemy pressing in at times attempting to 'kill, steal and destroy" my joy, but in the wake of such glorious news, it was easy to fight it off and bask in the glow of the image of her sweet little face. I would look at her picture a hundred times a day just trying to get myself to believe that it was real. That we had finally been matched and that we were finally starting the end of the journey of bringing her home.
I have to admit though, that as the weeks have slipped by, it is getting harder again. I am just so weary of waiting. Every fiber of my being wants to climb aboard a plane and travel across the world to my little girl. I feel incomplete. I feel like a part of me is missing and it is. She is not home yet. I can not hold her and kiss her and see her smile or hear her laugh. Looking at her picture is becoming painful because it is just that- a picture.
I know that there is a high likely hood that the couple of months after she is home is going to be a whirlwind of all kinds of craziness but I am ready for it. I am tired of imaging what it might be like when we first meet her or how our first couple of weeks in China with her will go. Will she warm up to us quickly? Will we be able to figure each other out easily or will we struggle? Will the kids actually be happy to have her home or will it be much more than they were expecting? Will she be able to adjust to being 'home' when it doesn't feel like home? I don't and can't know the answers to the millions of questions that run through my head every single day. I read blogs to try to get an idea of how things might go but that isn't our story. It is different for everyone and I am starting to make myself crazy with the wondering.
I thought that when we had that picture of her it would make things easier- Just to know that she was real and that we were finally moving towards her- and it has in a lot of ways. But in other ways, it has seemed to make time go even slower. My arms almost physically ache some days to be able to hold her. I do not have any pictures of what her little face looks like when it lights up with a smile and I long to know. Does her nose crinkle? Do her eyes all but disappear? Can she not help but to giggle? Or is she more stoic?
Worst of all, is that we are still waiting for our LOA (Letter of Approval) which is basically the official word from China that we can adopt her. It hasn't been an out of the ordinary amount of time but a month has felt plenty long, especially when waiting to make sure that even though we have fully made her ours in our heart, we will have permission from China to make it legal. After we get our LOA which is generally the last major unpredictable wait time for paperwork turnaround, they say it is downhill from there. There will still be a couple of months wait from there but it is one step closer and the other things should fall into place a little quicker. And most importantly we will know that we are approved to make her our own.
Will you pray for me? Will you pray for my heart to not get discouraged in the wait. (Can I just tell you that at this point the word "wait" makes me internally cringe.) Will you pray that things will continue moving and we will see the light at the end of the tunnel? Will you pray for our little girl to be healthy and happy as she unknowingly waits for her mama and baba to come for her? Will you pray that my heart will find peace in God's timing and will remember to celebrate the blessings along the way? And will you pray that I will be able to resist the temptation of sneaking aboard a plane headed for China? :)
Monday, July 29, 2013
"The Call"
This news has been like a fire shut up in my bones. It has been KILLING me not to be able to shout it out all over the FB and internet world the way that God has been faithful to His promises, but our agency recommends not posting about it until we received our Pre-Approval making it official. Well, guess what? After a two and a half week wait, it is official and I can finally post this blog that I wrote the day after we received the best phone call EVER! :)
Let me start by saying that the last couple months have been hard for me. Really hard. Since the let down of not getting matched a few months ago and then having to go back into the land of the unknown timeline because of the delays of getting the new system in place in China, I had sort of sunk down into a funk. It was a very uncomfortable thing for me for it to last for as long as it did because it is just not my natural state. I tend to be a very optimistic person who tries to look for the best in every situation. To have my heart be heavy and despairing was hard. I spent much of the time wrestling with God about why He had put a passion in my heart and then was not moving to allow me to follow it. I knew that God's timing and plan was perfect but in my flesh, the waiting and the wanting of the present was so strong. I felt like I fluctuated between despair and apathy. The emotions were so strong at times that then I would almost go into survival mode and try to numb them out.
It might sound extreme to some. It might sound overly dramatic and under spiritual. But if you have ever wanted something with every fiber of your being, something good and right, something that you knew without a doubt was a desire planted by the Lord Himself, and then kept hearing, "Wait. Not yet. Trust me. A little longer.", then you understand the places that your mind and heart can take you. You understand the raw ache of 'hope deferred making the heart sick'.
The past couple of weeks, I have felt that darkness lifting. I have started to feel more like myself and more able to press into God's heart once again trusting His timing and plan not only with my head but with my heart, as well. Then Monday comes. We get an unexpected email that they are going to be releasing a list that night but they don't really know how it will go because it will be the first time using the new system to do it. I definitely was very aware of it all day and the possibility of seeing her face that night but felt very cautious emotionally, not wanting to get my hopes up again. Monday night came and around midnight, I got an email that the new system was not working and our agency could not lock any files for review. They would try again Thursday night and hope that the CCCWA could get some of the kinks worked out by then. I was certainly disappointed but felt much more at peace than the last time. Probably largely due to the fact that there was still a chance later in the week.
Through out Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I felt 'a peace that surpasses understanding'. I really could not explain how my heart was so at peace even with the idea that if it did not happen this week, that would be ok. We would continue to wait on the Lord's timing with trust. It wasn't just something that I knew I should feel. I felt it from my heart.
Thursday came and I really felt like it would not happen that day. I continued praying the verses that I had come across this week that I felt like God gave me the words to ask what my heart was begging Him for.
"Answer me, O Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me." Psalm 69:16
"Give me a sign of your goodness..." Psalm 86:17
But I also continued to ask for peace if/when the call did not come.
To make a long story short, I was surprised when the phone rang at about 9:30. That was much earlier than I would have thought she would call for one thing. But it was her. It was 'The Call' that I had dreamt about and longed for. And wouldn't you know it, M was stuck in the airport in Chicago on his way home. As soon as I got off the phone with her, I called M and half cried/ half laughed the news that we had another daughter. Unfortunately, he only heard the word daughter and thought that I was crying not laugh/crying and started to panic thinking something had happened to Sissy. :) After clarifying the situation, we decided that it would be too torturous to wait until he got home to find out about her so I forwarded the email to him and we both saw her face. Her beautiful, sweet little face.
And now the really good part. :) Zhao, Chenjiao (Last name is said first so her name is Chen-jee-ow Jow) is 15 months old. She has a cleft palate and cleft upper lip on the left side. We are naming her Eleanor Chenjiao and we are completely smitten. I can only imagine the way God has been smiling down on me, enjoying me enjoy His blessing, since last night and the silly way I was dancing through the house all by myself any time I changed rooms with a smile from ear to ear and my heart bursting with praise and gratitude. The Lord has surely shown me a sign of His goodness. :) He has answered prayers beyond my expectations and I am relishing in this joy of a longing fulfilled. I want to shout from the rooftops,
"Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things"!!! Psalm 98:1
I sit here and sigh a happy sigh being able to be at this point finally. We are still probably 2-3 months out from being able to go get her but she is real. We have a face to put with the longing and prayers. We know where she is. We know what she looks like. We know that we are moving towards wrapping our arms around her and bringing her home to her forever family. And that, my friends, is something to rejoice in. :)
You didn't think I would let you leave without showing you our beautiful girl, did you? ;)
Don't you just want to pick her up and squeeze her and kiss those cheeks?! :)
Monday, May 27, 2013
Worth it
So I have been pretty quiet on here since the disappointment of not getting a referral a couple of weeks ago. To be honest, I haven't really known exactly how I felt about it all or even able to articulate it as I processed through it.
Obviously, we did not get the referral that we were so greatly hoping for. The list that was released was very small and there were not any children that were a match for us. This meant that under normal circumstances, we would have to wait another month for the next list to come out and another chance at being matched. Well, like most of this journey so far, normal doesn't really apply. Today, would have been the normal time for the list to be released. It is usually released the last Monday of the month. However, they are in the process of implementing a new online system for how they log families in and are directing energy and resources towards getting that up instead of working through files. It seems likely that that is why the list was so small a couple of weeks ago and also why the list did not come out today. This coming week is when they are switching over to the new system and so there has been no word on a list. We have absolutely no idea when we might hear something. Maybe they will release a list after this week of getting the new system up and running but maybe they will just wait until the end of next month and skip this one altogether. The list might be really small again when they do release it if they haven't been working through files as much and there might be a bigger pool of families waiting on those files because there has been such a delay. Really we are just right back to having absolutely no idea about what to expect by way of timing and absolutely no power to do anything about it. It has been a hard couple of weeks to process all that. After feeling like we were so close to seeing her face, we are back to not knowing anything about anything.
I have had moments of intense discouragement and frustration and doubt these past couple of weeks but God has been in those moments with me whispering encouragement and hope at the same time. I am reminded of a quote about adoption from Jen Hatmaker (one of my favorite bloggers):
"When you say YES to adoption, you are saying YES to enter the suffering of the orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM. I promise you, their suffering is worse than yours. We say YES to the tears, YES to the longing, YES to the maddening process, YES to the money, YES to hope, YES to the screaming frustration of it all, YES to going the distance through every unforeseen discouragement and delay. Do not imagine that something outside of "your perfect plan" means you heard God wrong. There is NO perfect adoption. EVERY adoption has snags. We Americans invented the "show me a sign" or "this is a sign" or "this must mean God is closing a door" or "God must not be in this because it is hard," but all that is garbage. You know what's hard? Being an orphan. They need us to be champions and heroes for them, fighting like hell to get them home. So we will. We may cry and rage and scream and wail in the process, but get them home we will."
I am encouraged by her heart and passion for adoption. I am encouraged to keep fighting (even if most of it is just a battle within my own heart and mind) to keep strong in the wait to bring our little girl home. I am also encouraged by the idea that just because something is hard or doesn't seem to be going 'right' does not mean that God is not in it. Every friend of mine that has adopted have had journey's that were not what they 'expected'. Often harder and more challenging and uncomfortable than they imagined. But do you know what God spoke to me today? It is a blessing. It is a blessing to have your expectations challenged and changed. It is a blessing to learn that sometimes it is ESPECIALLY when things are hard that God is in it.
Obviously, we did not get the referral that we were so greatly hoping for. The list that was released was very small and there were not any children that were a match for us. This meant that under normal circumstances, we would have to wait another month for the next list to come out and another chance at being matched. Well, like most of this journey so far, normal doesn't really apply. Today, would have been the normal time for the list to be released. It is usually released the last Monday of the month. However, they are in the process of implementing a new online system for how they log families in and are directing energy and resources towards getting that up instead of working through files. It seems likely that that is why the list was so small a couple of weeks ago and also why the list did not come out today. This coming week is when they are switching over to the new system and so there has been no word on a list. We have absolutely no idea when we might hear something. Maybe they will release a list after this week of getting the new system up and running but maybe they will just wait until the end of next month and skip this one altogether. The list might be really small again when they do release it if they haven't been working through files as much and there might be a bigger pool of families waiting on those files because there has been such a delay. Really we are just right back to having absolutely no idea about what to expect by way of timing and absolutely no power to do anything about it. It has been a hard couple of weeks to process all that. After feeling like we were so close to seeing her face, we are back to not knowing anything about anything.
I have had moments of intense discouragement and frustration and doubt these past couple of weeks but God has been in those moments with me whispering encouragement and hope at the same time. I am reminded of a quote about adoption from Jen Hatmaker (one of my favorite bloggers):
"When you say YES to adoption, you are saying YES to enter the suffering of the orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM. I promise you, their suffering is worse than yours. We say YES to the tears, YES to the longing, YES to the maddening process, YES to the money, YES to hope, YES to the screaming frustration of it all, YES to going the distance through every unforeseen discouragement and delay. Do not imagine that something outside of "your perfect plan" means you heard God wrong. There is NO perfect adoption. EVERY adoption has snags. We Americans invented the "show me a sign" or "this is a sign" or "this must mean God is closing a door" or "God must not be in this because it is hard," but all that is garbage. You know what's hard? Being an orphan. They need us to be champions and heroes for them, fighting like hell to get them home. So we will. We may cry and rage and scream and wail in the process, but get them home we will."
After all, if it were an easy and smooth process to get your child home and everything went exactly as you planned, then what happens when things get hard? What happens when your child has a hard time adjusting? What happens when there is a medical condition that you did not expect or plan for? What happens when paperwork doesn't go through when it should or caseworkers make decisions that they shouldn't? Would you start to doubt that maybe adoption isn't what God called you to after all? But thank goodness for The Lord having deepened our resolve and determination before that child was even ours. We already know what it is to fight for them and to change and adjust our expectations as we go. We know heart ache and heart break. We know what it is to question where God is in it all and wait for Him to show us. We know that when we don't understand any of the 'whys' we can trust the One who leads us on. We know how to celebrate each little 'victory' and success even in the midst of confusion and doubt. We know how to live one step at a time, because each step, however small, gets us that much closer to our child.
I have had a couple of friend's asking about adopting from China in the last couple of weeks. Even in the midst of my own emotional struggle with it, I have not hesitated to excitedly answer any questions they had or to encourage them to look into it and consider it. That tells me that even as hard as it gets sometimes, it is so completely worth it. Growing deeper in my faith is worth it. Allowing God to grow me and teach me is worth it. Adopting and redeeming a life is worth it. My child... is worth it.
Friday, May 3, 2013
"Prisoner of Hope"
Let me just start by saying that we have gotten word this week that the list is, indeed, being posted Monday evening. I am so excited by this but at the same time, I feel like it is now a cautious excitement. I have shared with M that it seems like with all of our kiddos, I have not been able to have the naive, innocent excitement of expectation that many do. Before we were pregnant with our little man, we had two miscarriages and because of those, I went into both of the following pregnancies with excitement and hope but an excitement and hope that were tempered with the first-hand knowledge that just because you are pregnant does not mean you will have the joy of meeting that baby on this side of heaven. It feels that way a bit with this child as well. After having two times of hope and excitement being dashed and pushed back, my heart feels a bit more guarded knowing that just because the list is supposed to be coming out, you never know what might happen. I also know that just because the list is being released, we might not get matched this time around. So I am hoping, but cautiously so.
Which leads perfectly into the idea of being a 'prisoner of hope'. I was reading through some verses the other day about what God says about disappointment. A verse that I came across was Zechariah 9:12. It reads, "Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." As I read the words, I could feel my heart catch. Prisoners of hope. I wasn't even quite sure what it meant, but I knew that it resonated with me. I am still puzzling through it some but this is what I have been thinking.
To be a prisoner of something means to be captive to it. You can not get away even if you 'wanted' to. So to be a prisoner of hope means to be captive to hope. There is a bit of a paradox going on in this statement that feels so true to me. You generally think that to be a prisoner would be a bad thing and that hope is a good thing so the two would not initially seem to go together. But what better thing to be captive to than hope?
As much as my heart wants to close down and protect itself when disappointment comes, especially when it happens time and time again, I can not help but to keep hoping. Even when it hurts to do so, and I try to tell myself that I won't anymore, there is always a seed of hope that begins to sprout again. When our hearts desire something deeply enough, especially when it is a desire that God has planted, He will remain the gardener that tends to that little seed to nurture it and protect it and grow it until it blossoms. Sometimes it takes longer than we would like. Sometimes it ends up looking different than we thought it would. Sometimes the process is so very different than we expected. But with hope, that little seed will eventually blossom into exactly what the Gardener planted and desired.
We don't, and ultimately can't, lose hope when we fully understand and trust that God is who He says He is. He is 'faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made' and he will 'satisfy the desires of every living thing' (Psalm 145:13, 16). I am a prisoner to hope because I trust God's faithfulness and goodness to me. When my flesh is hurting and doubting, I want to choose to have my spirit continue to trust. Just like David did when his feelings were telling him one thing about his circumstances, he commanded his spirit to choose to praise God and trust in Him until he could see a clearer picture of what God sees.
For all I know, our daughter's file was not ready two weeks ago and so God in his loving kindness delayed the posting for a few weeks so that her file would be available to us. Did God enjoy seeing me hurting and doubting. No, of course not. But He can see things so much clearer than me and because of that, I will choose to follow His lead instead of my own limited sight.
I do not know what Monday night will bring. I am praying that it will be one of the most joyful and memorable moments of my life- seeing the face of the child that I have been longing for for years now. But if that doesn't happen? I will take time to be honest with God about my hurt and disappointment and doubts and then give them over in trust of His will. And then? Then, I will return to my fortress as a prisoner of hope, trusting and waiting for God to restore twice as much to me as I have even asked for whatever that may look like.
Which leads perfectly into the idea of being a 'prisoner of hope'. I was reading through some verses the other day about what God says about disappointment. A verse that I came across was Zechariah 9:12. It reads, "Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." As I read the words, I could feel my heart catch. Prisoners of hope. I wasn't even quite sure what it meant, but I knew that it resonated with me. I am still puzzling through it some but this is what I have been thinking.
To be a prisoner of something means to be captive to it. You can not get away even if you 'wanted' to. So to be a prisoner of hope means to be captive to hope. There is a bit of a paradox going on in this statement that feels so true to me. You generally think that to be a prisoner would be a bad thing and that hope is a good thing so the two would not initially seem to go together. But what better thing to be captive to than hope?
As much as my heart wants to close down and protect itself when disappointment comes, especially when it happens time and time again, I can not help but to keep hoping. Even when it hurts to do so, and I try to tell myself that I won't anymore, there is always a seed of hope that begins to sprout again. When our hearts desire something deeply enough, especially when it is a desire that God has planted, He will remain the gardener that tends to that little seed to nurture it and protect it and grow it until it blossoms. Sometimes it takes longer than we would like. Sometimes it ends up looking different than we thought it would. Sometimes the process is so very different than we expected. But with hope, that little seed will eventually blossom into exactly what the Gardener planted and desired.
We don't, and ultimately can't, lose hope when we fully understand and trust that God is who He says He is. He is 'faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made' and he will 'satisfy the desires of every living thing' (Psalm 145:13, 16). I am a prisoner to hope because I trust God's faithfulness and goodness to me. When my flesh is hurting and doubting, I want to choose to have my spirit continue to trust. Just like David did when his feelings were telling him one thing about his circumstances, he commanded his spirit to choose to praise God and trust in Him until he could see a clearer picture of what God sees.
For all I know, our daughter's file was not ready two weeks ago and so God in his loving kindness delayed the posting for a few weeks so that her file would be available to us. Did God enjoy seeing me hurting and doubting. No, of course not. But He can see things so much clearer than me and because of that, I will choose to follow His lead instead of my own limited sight.
I do not know what Monday night will bring. I am praying that it will be one of the most joyful and memorable moments of my life- seeing the face of the child that I have been longing for for years now. But if that doesn't happen? I will take time to be honest with God about my hurt and disappointment and doubts and then give them over in trust of His will. And then? Then, I will return to my fortress as a prisoner of hope, trusting and waiting for God to restore twice as much to me as I have even asked for whatever that may look like.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)