Worth it

So I have been pretty quiet on here since the disappointment of not getting a referral a couple of weeks ago. To be honest, I haven't really known exactly how I felt about it all or even able to articulate it as I processed through it.

Obviously, we did not get the referral that we were so greatly hoping for.  The list that was released was very small and there were not any children that were a match for us.  This meant that under normal circumstances, we would have to wait another month for the next list to come out and another chance at being matched.  Well, like most of this journey so far, normal doesn't really apply.  Today, would have been the normal time for the list to be released.  It is usually released the last Monday of the month.  However, they are in the process of implementing a new online system for how they log families in and are directing energy and resources towards getting that up instead of working through files.  It seems likely that that is why the list was so small a couple of weeks ago and also why the list did not come out today.  This coming week is when they are switching over to the new system and so there has been no word on a list.  We have absolutely no idea when we might hear something.  Maybe they will release a list after this week of getting the new system up and running but maybe they will just wait until the end of next month and skip this one altogether.  The list might be really small again when they do release it if they haven't been working through files as much and there might be a bigger pool of families waiting on those files because there has been such a delay.  Really we are just right back to having absolutely no idea about what to expect by way of timing and absolutely no power to do anything about it.  It has been a hard couple of weeks to process all that.  After feeling like we were so close to seeing her face, we are back to not knowing anything about anything.

I have had moments of intense discouragement and frustration and doubt these past couple of weeks but God has been in those moments with me whispering encouragement and hope at the same time.  I am reminded of a quote about adoption from Jen Hatmaker (one of my favorite bloggers):
           
   "When you say YES to adoption, you are saying YES to enter the suffering of the orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM. I promise you, their suffering is worse than yours. We say YES to the tears, YES to the longing, YES to the maddening process, YES to the money, YES to hope, YES to the screaming frustration of it all, YES to going the distance through every unforeseen discouragement and delay. Do not imagine that something outside of "your perfect plan" means you heard God wrong. There is NO perfect adoption. EVERY adoption has snags. We Americans invented the "show me a sign" or "this is a sign" or "this must mean God is closing a door" or "God must not be in this because it is hard," but all that is garbage. You know what's hard? Being an orphan. They need us to be champions and heroes for them, fighting like hell to get them home. So we will. We may cry and rage and scream and wail in the process, but get them home we will."

I am encouraged by her heart and passion for adoption.  I am encouraged to keep fighting (even if most of it is just a battle within my own heart and mind) to keep strong in the wait to bring our little girl home.  I am also encouraged by the idea that just because something is hard or doesn't seem to be going 'right' does not mean that God is not in it.  Every friend of mine that has adopted have had journey's that were not what they 'expected'.  Often harder and more challenging and uncomfortable than they imagined.  But do you know what God spoke to me today?  It is a blessing.  It is a blessing to have your expectations challenged and changed.  It is a blessing to learn that sometimes it is ESPECIALLY when things are hard that God is in it.  

After all, if it were an easy and smooth process to get your child home and everything went exactly as you planned, then what happens when things get hard?  What happens when your child has a hard time adjusting?  What happens when there is a medical condition that you did not expect or plan for?  What happens when paperwork doesn't go through when it should or caseworkers make decisions that they shouldn't?  Would you start to doubt that maybe adoption isn't what God called you to after all?  But thank goodness for The Lord having deepened our resolve and determination before that child was even ours.  We already know what it is to fight for them and to change and adjust our expectations as we go.  We know heart ache and heart break.  We know what it is to question where God is in it all and wait for Him to show us.  We know that when we don't understand any of the 'whys' we can trust the One who leads us on.  We know how to celebrate each little 'victory' and success even in the midst of confusion and doubt.  We know how to live one step at a time, because each step, however small, gets us that much closer to our child. 

I have had a couple of friend's asking about adopting from China in the last couple of weeks.   Even in the midst of my own emotional struggle with it, I have not hesitated to excitedly answer any questions they had or to encourage them to look into it and consider it.  That tells me that even as hard as it gets sometimes, it is so completely worth it.  Growing deeper in my faith is worth it.  Allowing God to grow me and teach me is worth it.  Adopting and redeeming a life is worth it.  My child... is worth it.
                 

"Prisoner of Hope"

Let me just start by saying that we have gotten word this week that the list is, indeed, being posted Monday evening.  I am so excited by this but at the same time, I feel like it is now a cautious excitement.  I have shared with M that it seems like with all of our kiddos, I have not been able to have the naive, innocent excitement of expectation that many do.  Before we were pregnant with our little man, we had two miscarriages and because of those, I went into both of the following pregnancies with excitement and hope but an excitement and hope that were tempered with the first-hand knowledge that just because you are pregnant does not mean you will have the joy of meeting that baby on this side of heaven.  It feels that way a bit with this child as well.  After having two times of hope and excitement being dashed and pushed back, my heart feels a bit more guarded knowing that just because the list is supposed to be coming out, you never know what might happen.  I also know that just because the list is being released, we might not get matched this time around.  So I am hoping, but cautiously so.

Which leads perfectly into the idea of being a 'prisoner of hope'.  I was reading through some verses the other day about what God says about disappointment.  A verse that I came across was Zechariah 9:12.  It reads, "Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you."  As I read the words, I could feel my heart catch.  Prisoners of hope.  I wasn't even quite sure what it meant, but I knew that it resonated with me.  I am still puzzling through it some but this is what I have been thinking.

To be a prisoner of something means to be captive to it.  You can not get away even if you 'wanted' to.  So to be a prisoner of hope means to be captive to hope.  There is a bit of a paradox going on in this statement that feels so true to me.  You generally think that to be a prisoner would be a bad thing and that hope is a good thing so the two would not initially seem to go together.  But what better thing to be captive to than hope?

As much as my heart wants to close down and protect itself when disappointment comes, especially when it happens time and time again, I can not help but to keep hoping.  Even when it hurts to do so, and I try to tell myself that I won't anymore, there is always a seed of hope that begins to sprout again.  When our hearts desire something deeply enough, especially when it is a desire that God has planted, He will remain the gardener that tends to that little seed to nurture it and protect it and grow it until it blossoms.  Sometimes it takes longer than we would like.  Sometimes it ends up looking different than we thought it would.  Sometimes the process is so very different than we expected.  But with hope, that little seed will eventually blossom into exactly what the Gardener planted and desired.

We don't, and ultimately can't, lose hope when we fully understand and trust that God is who He says He is. He is 'faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made' and he will 'satisfy the desires of every living thing' (Psalm 145:13, 16).  I am a prisoner to hope because I trust God's faithfulness and goodness to me.  When my flesh is hurting and doubting, I want to choose to have my spirit continue to trust.  Just like David did when his feelings were telling him one thing about his circumstances, he commanded his spirit to choose to praise God and trust in Him until he could see a clearer picture of what God sees.

For all I know, our daughter's file was not ready two weeks ago and so God in his loving kindness delayed the posting for a few weeks so that her file would be available to us.  Did God enjoy seeing me hurting and doubting.  No, of course not.  But He can see things so much clearer than me and because of that, I will choose to follow His lead instead of my own limited sight.

I do not know what Monday night will bring.  I am praying that it will be one of the most joyful and memorable moments of my life- seeing the face of the child that I have been longing for for years now.  But if that doesn't happen?  I will take time to be honest with God about my hurt and disappointment and doubts and then give them over in trust of His will. And then? Then, I will return to my fortress as a prisoner of hope, trusting and waiting for God to restore twice as much to me as I have even asked for whatever that may look like.