This news has been like a fire shut up in my bones. It has been KILLING me not to be able to shout it out all over the FB and internet world the way that God has been faithful to His promises, but our agency recommends not posting about it until we received our Pre-Approval making it official. Well, guess what? After a two and a half week wait, it is official and I can finally post this blog that I wrote the day after we received the best phone call EVER! :)
Let me start by saying that the last couple months have been hard for me. Really hard. Since the let down of not getting matched a few months ago and then having to go back into the land of the unknown timeline because of the delays of getting the new system in place in China, I had sort of sunk down into a funk. It was a very uncomfortable thing for me for it to last for as long as it did because it is just not my natural state. I tend to be a very optimistic person who tries to look for the best in every situation. To have my heart be heavy and despairing was hard. I spent much of the time wrestling with God about why He had put a passion in my heart and then was not moving to allow me to follow it. I knew that God's timing and plan was perfect but in my flesh, the waiting and the wanting of the present was so strong. I felt like I fluctuated between despair and apathy. The emotions were so strong at times that then I would almost go into survival mode and try to numb them out.
It might sound extreme to some. It might sound overly dramatic and under spiritual. But if you have ever wanted something with every fiber of your being, something good and right, something that you knew without a doubt was a desire planted by the Lord Himself, and then kept hearing, "Wait. Not yet. Trust me. A little longer.", then you understand the places that your mind and heart can take you. You understand the raw ache of 'hope deferred making the heart sick'.
The past couple of weeks, I have felt that darkness lifting. I have started to feel more like myself and more able to press into God's heart once again trusting His timing and plan not only with my head but with my heart, as well. Then Monday comes. We get an unexpected email that they are going to be releasing a list that night but they don't really know how it will go because it will be the first time using the new system to do it. I definitely was very aware of it all day and the possibility of seeing her face that night but felt very cautious emotionally, not wanting to get my hopes up again. Monday night came and around midnight, I got an email that the new system was not working and our agency could not lock any files for review. They would try again Thursday night and hope that the CCCWA could get some of the kinks worked out by then. I was certainly disappointed but felt much more at peace than the last time. Probably largely due to the fact that there was still a chance later in the week.
Through out Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I felt 'a peace that surpasses understanding'. I really could not explain how my heart was so at peace even with the idea that if it did not happen this week, that would be ok. We would continue to wait on the Lord's timing with trust. It wasn't just something that I knew I should feel. I felt it from my heart.
Thursday came and I really felt like it would not happen that day. I continued praying the verses that I had come across this week that I felt like God gave me the words to ask what my heart was begging Him for.
"Answer me, O Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me." Psalm 69:16
"Give me a sign of your goodness..." Psalm 86:17
But I also continued to ask for peace if/when the call did not come.
To make a long story short, I was surprised when the phone rang at about 9:30. That was much earlier than I would have thought she would call for one thing. But it was her. It was 'The Call' that I had dreamt about and longed for. And wouldn't you know it, M was stuck in the airport in Chicago on his way home. As soon as I got off the phone with her, I called M and half cried/ half laughed the news that we had another daughter. Unfortunately, he only heard the word daughter and thought that I was crying not laugh/crying and started to panic thinking something had happened to Sissy. :) After clarifying the situation, we decided that it would be too torturous to wait until he got home to find out about her so I forwarded the email to him and we both saw her face. Her beautiful, sweet little face.
And now the really good part. :) Zhao, Chenjiao (Last name is said first so her name is Chen-jee-ow Jow) is 15 months old. She has a cleft palate and cleft upper lip on the left side. We are naming her Eleanor Chenjiao and we are completely smitten. I can only imagine the way God has been smiling down on me, enjoying me enjoy His blessing, since last night and the silly way I was dancing through the house all by myself any time I changed rooms with a smile from ear to ear and my heart bursting with praise and gratitude. The Lord has surely shown me a sign of His goodness. :) He has answered prayers beyond my expectations and I am relishing in this joy of a longing fulfilled. I want to shout from the rooftops,
"Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things"!!! Psalm 98:1
I sit here and sigh a happy sigh being able to be at this point finally. We are still probably 2-3 months out from being able to go get her but she is real. We have a face to put with the longing and prayers. We know where she is. We know what she looks like. We know that we are moving towards wrapping our arms around her and bringing her home to her forever family. And that, my friends, is something to rejoice in. :)
You didn't think I would let you leave without showing you our beautiful girl, did you? ;)
Don't you just want to pick her up and squeeze her and kiss those cheeks?! :)
