Sunday marks one month since we have gotten to see our little girl's sweet face. It still feels so surreal to know that we have a daughter on the opposite side of the world that has no idea about the family longing to bring her home. And, oh, how I long to.
The first couple of weeks went by with me floating on a cloud of joy. Sure, I could feel the enemy pressing in at times attempting to 'kill, steal and destroy" my joy, but in the wake of such glorious news, it was easy to fight it off and bask in the glow of the image of her sweet little face. I would look at her picture a hundred times a day just trying to get myself to believe that it was real. That we had finally been matched and that we were finally starting the end of the journey of bringing her home.
I have to admit though, that as the weeks have slipped by, it is getting harder again. I am just so weary of waiting. Every fiber of my being wants to climb aboard a plane and travel across the world to my little girl. I feel incomplete. I feel like a part of me is missing and it is. She is not home yet. I can not hold her and kiss her and see her smile or hear her laugh. Looking at her picture is becoming painful because it is just that- a picture.
I know that there is a high likely hood that the couple of months after she is home is going to be a whirlwind of all kinds of craziness but I am ready for it. I am tired of imaging what it might be like when we first meet her or how our first couple of weeks in China with her will go. Will she warm up to us quickly? Will we be able to figure each other out easily or will we struggle? Will the kids actually be happy to have her home or will it be much more than they were expecting? Will she be able to adjust to being 'home' when it doesn't feel like home? I don't and can't know the answers to the millions of questions that run through my head every single day. I read blogs to try to get an idea of how things might go but that isn't our story. It is different for everyone and I am starting to make myself crazy with the wondering.
I thought that when we had that picture of her it would make things easier- Just to know that she was real and that we were finally moving towards her- and it has in a lot of ways. But in other ways, it has seemed to make time go even slower. My arms almost physically ache some days to be able to hold her. I do not have any pictures of what her little face looks like when it lights up with a smile and I long to know. Does her nose crinkle? Do her eyes all but disappear? Can she not help but to giggle? Or is she more stoic?
Worst of all, is that we are still waiting for our LOA (Letter of Approval) which is basically the official word from China that we can adopt her. It hasn't been an out of the ordinary amount of time but a month has felt plenty long, especially when waiting to make sure that even though we have fully made her ours in our heart, we will have permission from China to make it legal. After we get our LOA which is generally the last major unpredictable wait time for paperwork turnaround, they say it is downhill from there. There will still be a couple of months wait from there but it is one step closer and the other things should fall into place a little quicker. And most importantly we will know that we are approved to make her our own.
Will you pray for me? Will you pray for my heart to not get discouraged in the wait. (Can I just tell you that at this point the word "wait" makes me internally cringe.) Will you pray that things will continue moving and we will see the light at the end of the tunnel? Will you pray for our little girl to be healthy and happy as she unknowingly waits for her mama and baba to come for her? Will you pray that my heart will find peace in God's timing and will remember to celebrate the blessings along the way? And will you pray that I will be able to resist the temptation of sneaking aboard a plane headed for China? :)
