Never Once

Saturday night is our usual night to go to church. We have missed it so much the past several weeks and with as well as Ellie has been doing, we couldn't resist at least giving it a go and seeing how she would do. We had no intentions of putting her in the kids class yet but I was hoping to at least get to enjoy worship time before she got too antsy and then we could go out to the foyer and she could run around a bit.

Worship is almost always my favorite time of the service.  I love the way my heart connects with God during those times.  Last night might have been one of my all time favorites.  :)  I am pretty sure God had the set of songs planned just for my heart.  They were all so perfect for what I was feeling being home with Ellie but one in particular stood out.  Matt Redman's song, "Never Once", was a really powerful song of encouragement during our wait time of the adoption.  In all the times that it felt like it might never happen or I just didn't understand God's timing of it all, that song would speak refreshment and encouragement to my heart in so many ways.  This was, of course, one of the songs we sang last night.

I can't tell you how powerfully I felt that song last night as I stood there with Eleanor in my arms. I felt so filled up with gratitude and faith and thankfulness.  We may have had scars and struggles on the way but with joy my heart can say that never once in our long journey to Ellie did God leave us on our own.  Evermore, I will be breathing out God's praise.  I sang this song out to God with all my heart. I watched as this little girl who my heart has longed after for years, raised her hand just as her momma was doing in praise to God and then as she clapped and danced to the song in my arms.  My eyes filled with tears as my heart overflowed with emotion.  It was one of the most special moments of my life.  I felt like it all had finally come full circle and God was smiling over us.

God is faithful, my friends.  Sometimes (most often) the journey looks so very different than we imagine but we can trust our God.  We can trust His plan for us.  We can trust His goodness for us.  In this life we only see a dim reflection of reality and truth.  There are times, though, that I think God pulls back the curtain a bit and lets us see a little clearer.  There are moments that we get a glimpse of the grander landscape of our lives.  We get to see how things have led up to a single moment- how the painful pieces all fit together to create something altogether lovely.  I felt that I experienced one of those holy moments last night and I am still carrying the glow of it with me today.

Giggles and Gumdrops

Lest you all be fooled into thinking that it is all giggles and gumdrops over here, I should probably share some of the less adorable struggles we have had since being home.

Ellie really is doing great.  We are beyond thankful for how well her first foster momma clearly loved her and took care of her.  We have been struggling through jet lag but the past couple of nights have been better and a little sleep can do wonders all around.  Though I would say the biggest challenge with her is knowing the right level of discipline.  When you have babies that you get from day one, you grow together and there is a more natural flow and development to discipline.  When you are handed a toddler, you just hit the ground running.  She is almost two and is into everything.  For the most part, she is a good listener and will follow directions.  If she has the remote and you ask for it, she will generally give it to you with a smile.  There are times though, that in true toddler fashion, she decides to test the boundaries.  As we are still working on attachment and making sure she knows that she is safe and loved, it feels like such a fine line of how much to let things slide a little more for now and how much to lay those lines down and establish a sense of security through known expectations.  We are taking it one situation at a time and praying for wisdom.

Interestingly enough, it has been the same way with the older two, as well.  I have seen ways that Mali has 'regressed' a bit as she gets used to not being the 'baby' of the family anymore.  She tends to fight over Ellie's toys and wants to use all the baby items again like Ellie's sippy cups and such.  Whenever she sees us playing with or tickling Ellie she comes right over and asks us to do that to her too.  (Thankfully, this is done in a really sweet way of just wanting to be included in the fun).  She has been a little on the fussy side and cries much easier than usual. We are trying to make sure that she gets extra snuggle time and doesn't feel left out or 'replaced'.

Noah has just been plain grumpy most of the day though.  I have been surprised to see that the transition has been hardest on him.  I thought Mali would have the hardest time with having to share me and not be the youngest anymore but she is distracted enough with 'mothering' Ellie that it seems to at least take the edge off of all that.  Noah though, is clearly still needing to catch up on quality time after us being away for two weeks and the fact that daily life is different with a toddler around has been hard on him. He gets frustrated with having a little sister that gets into things and the fact that there are things that we have to wait to do until Ellie is napping or he has to go to his room with the door shut to do.  We are really encouraging him especially to talk about what he is feeling since his moodiness is more than from just getting up too early most mornings since we have been home.  Last night, as he was just sort of 'getting it all out' to put it in a nice way, he said that the only fun time of the day is when Ellie is napping.  Sigh.  He clearly loves her and when he does interact with her he is gentle and sweet, but it is an adjustment to live with a toddler.

For myself, I find that I feel pulled in so many different directions (three kids, a pile of laundry, suitcases to unpack, a house to get caught up with on cleaning, post Christmas clutter to sort through, etc.)  that I don't feel like I am doing anything well.  I have mommy guilt lingering from being gone from the other two for so long so I want to try to catch up with them and make sure they are getting enough from me now- That is a little harder though when I am chasing after a toddler all day.  As I see the kids struggling through adjusting to Ellie in their own ways, I want to help them as much as I can but I feel so split at times.  I feel so bad when I have to keep telling them that I just can't do what they are asking right then and I will try to create some time for it later.  I am also struggling with having zero personal time or space right now.  If I get up with Ellie around 6 in the morning (an adjustment in itself.  I am just not a morning person) then it is go go go till the minute we put the kids to bed around 8.  Which wouldn't be too different from how it used to be if we had a couple hours in the evening to recover but this week we are literally putting Noah and Mali to bed and going straight to our room to brush teeth and fall into bed.  I can't even shower (I have an audience of two little girls. Awkward) or go to the bathroom by myself right now let alone have a few minutes for reading my Bible (which I really need!).  I am just looking forward to finding our new rhythm and thankfully, I really do see little glimpses of that more and more every day.

There are adjustments and sacrifices we are all having to make but as we sat around the dinner table last night talking about it, we reminded the kids that it is far better to have Ellie here in our home getting into things and having to teach her how to be part of a family than for her to be in an orphanage with no family at all.  It is a big lesson for our kids to grasp but they have big enough hearts that in these moments of clarity they understand that.  We are all learning more about grace and patience and selfless love during this time, as well.  Hard?  Yes.  Worth it?  You bet.  But we are all going to be better individuals and stronger as a family for making 'one of the least of these' as our very own.

Getting to know each other

Jet lag is pretty much kicking our butts at this point, but other than that, the transition home is going beautifully.

I was so bummed to have missed our airport homecoming moment.  Especially since one of my college roommates who is a super talented photographer had driven up from OH to capture that time.  Since it didn't work out the way I had hoped, and since she her her hubby were already in town, they came over Friday morning and spent the day capturing all of our first moments figuring life out as a family. I shared the link to her blog post with some of the pictures she took in case you haven't seen them yet.  They are amazing!  It is a blessing that we will have the moments of that first day together as a family visually caught to remember forever.  :)

We have spent our first couple of days together letting the kids get to know each other and giving Ellie space to explore her home.  She is really not very keen on the cat so far.  She generally starts fussing and clinging onto one of us when she sees him.  She has gotten comfortable enough at times to try to touch him and she doesn't freak out or anything so I think she will be ok given a little more time.

She is such a laid back, happy girl that she seems to have a pretty easy time adapting to new environments.  Thankfully, she is attached enough to Marcus and I that her security seems established based on us being around when she is uncomfortable.  We are still being cautious about people holding her and will make sure for awhile that either Marcus or I am with her to be the one to meet her needs so that she can start to learn that she has a momma and a daddy that are the ones that take care of her and that she doesn't have multiple 'mommas' anymore.  I can sense her opening up a little more everyday with her physical affection towards us which I love.  :)

The kids have been rock stars with everything.  They are so super sweet with Ellie.  Mali is loving being a big sister and has already been teaching her how to play with babies and strollers and has the tendency to repeat everything I say to Ellie like a little momma.  :)  She is so gentle and sweet with her.  Whenever Ellie is sleeping, she repeatedly asks when she is going to wake up and says that she just wants to be with her.  When I tell her that she REALLY doesn't want Ellie to wake up before she should, I can't deny her the sweetness of going in to check on her and just look at her while she sleeps. :)

Noah isn't quite as focused on Ellie and has seemed to need more to catch up on time and attention with mommy and daddy but when he does interact with her, he uses the sweetest tone of voice and gentleness.  Friday night, as I was laying in bed with him telling him how proud I was of how well he did while we were gone even though it was hard to miss us so much sometimes, he said, "It was worth it.  I love our little Eleanor." Too stinkin' sweet.  And then last night, as Ellie was running around the house in her crazy tired mode, he said, "I love having a Chinese girl in our family."  Such innocent sweetness from a six year old big brother.  :)

We are so loving being home and basking in the reality of having three children finally.  God has been so good and faithful to us.  It still feels surreal at times but I see how fully God used the time we were waiting to prepare all of our hearts to receive this little girl and be able to whole-heartedly embrace her as our own.  We are in awe of the amazing little person she is and how she is blessing our family already.  As much as she might have needed us we needed her just as much.

Coming home

Wow!  What a whirlwind it has been since I last posted.  Why don't I recap our trip home and then will update you on how things are going now that we are home.  :)

On New Year's Day, we took a flight north again to Beijing.  We had an overnight stay in a hotel there but didn't want to pay for internet service so I wasn't able to blog but there wasn't a lot to catch you up on anyways.  Our flight didn't leave Beijing for Chicago until about 4:30 pm so we had some time to kill at the airport.  When we booked our flight, we tried to purchase the lap ticket for Ellie but since she didn't quite exist as our daughter yet, they told us they couldn't issue a ticket yet but just to come to the airport a little early with her documents and such and they would get it issued which is how it had worked for our in country flight to Beijing, as well.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Well, when we got there and explained the situation and what we had been told, they then told us that she was not in the system and that we would have to purchase a ticket for.  Ok, sure, we can do that.  Of course, it wasn't that simple.  She said that they were not ticket agents and that there weren't any at the airport so we would have to call and purchase one from an agent.  Sigh.  This might not have been as big of a deal if it would have been a local call like she told us and we could have used the public phone at the airport for free.  It was not however, and it would have cost us at least a dollar a minute to use that phone.  However, we did not get an international calling plan for our cell phones either, so either way we knew it was going to be painful.  Marcus got a hold of somebody and explained the situation and then was put on hold.  For a long time.  All the while we could all but hear the phone bill adding up.  He ended up hanging up and going back to the counter to get someone to help him.  Thankfully, one of the ladies ended up taking him "downstairs" where ever that was to let him use a phone and get everything straightened out eventually.

In the meantime, I was left with a cart full of luggage and a busy toddler who wanted to wander through the huge crowds of people.  Not a great combination.  We were also several hours past lunchtime at this point, so she was cranky and hungry.  I had a granola bar and I stretched that thing out about as long as I could.  Tiny little bite after tiny little bite.  As long as I was feeding her she would sit in my lap and hang out.  Oy.  I was super glad when Marcus finally came back to rescue me!  :)

When it was finally time to board, we were feeling BEYOND thankful for Marcus' boss having upgraded us to business class.  Seriously.  Have you ever flown business class?  We are talking hot towels, free drinks, warm nuts, a three course meal complete with cheese and wine afterwards and don't even get me started on the seats that fully recline.  AMAZING.  And to top it off, there ended up being a couple of open seats so the super sweet stewardess asked if another lady would mind switching with us so that we could have three seats together for Ellie to have her own seat.  What?  What a crazy extravagant blessing on top of an already crazy extravagant blessing!  Ellie was able to stretch out on her own seat and sleep for a solid 7 hours of the 12 hour flight.  Which meant that Marcus and I were also able to stretch out and each sleep for about 3-4 hours which proved to be quite necessary for what waited for us in Chicago...

We knew that our flight flight from Chicago to Grand Rapids had been cancelled and that things in Chicago didn't look good.  We spent the flight brainstorming our options and the idea of having to stay in yet another hotel and being so close to home without being able to actually be there was just too much.  As soon as we landed, Marcus called his companies travel agency and they were able to reserve us a car rental (and evena rented car seat) so that we could drive the rest of the way home.  It ended up taking us about 5 hours instead of 3 1/2 like it normally would and there were definitely some areas that you couldn't even see the lines on the highway but we made it in one piece.  Ellie was deliriously tired at this point and every time she would finally drift off to sleep she would wake up and stretch only to be reminded that she was buckled in and would start clawing at the car seat straps and crying.  Sigh.

Around midnight, we finally pulled into our driveway and had never in all our life been happier to be home.  It was so surreal to have stared at Ellie's picture for so long and imagined life with her running around our house and now we were finally walking in the door with her in our arms to begin life together as a family of five...