The day that should have been

There is nothing more disappointing than disappointment- and I have had my fair share of disappointment in this adoption journey so far.  The Lord has closed doors, redirected when I was sure we were on the right path, taken longer to draw M's heart alongside mine than I would have liked, and asked me to wait and trust time and time again.  This Thursday was another one of those times.

We had been told that the list ('The List' is the release of new files of children that are eligible to be adopted) was going to be coming out on the 22nd and I was so nervous that we wouldn't get logged into the system in China in time to be eligible to be matched then.  Well, we got word on the 17th that we had been logged in and I was ecstatic!  We were visiting my sister since M was in Budapest for work so he totally missed my jumping up and down happy dance that I tend to do when we have hit major milestones for the adoption.  I could not believe that we could be getting to see our little girl's face in less than a week!

Then disappointment came.  The list was not going to be coming out on the 22nd after all, but the following Monday instead.  We were so close only to be pushed out another week.  Very disappointing, but I only had to make it another week.  I could do it.

I had made it past the 'day that should have been' on the 22nd and was almost to the home stretch of the weekend when disappointment came again.  On Thursday, I was talking with one of our contacts at the agency and found out that the list was most likely going to be pushed back again because of a holiday in China on Monday.  Oh, my lands.  My heart did not want to hear that.  Thursday morning was spent with a very puffy face and a heavy heart.

It is hard to explain why it hit me so hard.  To most people it seems like, "Just one more week.  It isn't great news but not that big of a deal.  God's timing is perfect and He has it all worked out'.  This is all true, but to a heart that has been waiting and hoping for so long, there are times that yet another week when you had thought you were finally so close can seem like a hundred.  We have been on this journey for three years now and it has always been this surreal sort of 'concept'.  We know that we have done an insane amount of paperwork and process so that we can adopt this child that is out there somewhere but it has never been more solid than that.  We have never had a face to go with the waiting and wanting- nor a firm deadline of when we might.  Just hopeful indefinite waiting.

So to be put off from finally having the reality of what all this waiting and working and hoping has been for was extremely hard.  (Not to mention it was timed with some 'not so great at handling bad news' hormones, if you know what I mean).  I can not put into words how desperately my heart longs to see her face and know who she is.

Thankfully, I have a God who knows my heart.  He knew how badly that news was going to affect me right then and that I was going to deeply need to hear from Him to reassure me that all of my fears (like this is never going to happen) were not Truth and that my heart was safe with Him in the struggle.  I was able to spend some time reading my Bible later in the afternoon and God did what He often does through His word and spoke to me. He spoke the exact words I needed to hear that answered my prayers of questioning and doubt and longing earlier in the day.  This is what He told me,

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.  The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them."  Psalm 145:13-19

He reassured me that He is faithful to all His promises. He reassured me that He loves me and that He is close by when I am hurting.  He reassured me that he gives us what we need at just the right time and that He satisfies the desires of my heart.  O, how I needed to hear that He satisfies and fulfills the desires of our hearts in that moment to be able to keep trusting and hoping.

Well, I have made it through another 'day that should have been'.  I am hoping that this means we are in the countdown again to seeing our little girls picture.  By Friday, we will have hopefully heard that the list is, indeed, coming out on the 6th.  I have plenty of fears of it getting moved back again.  I also fear that even if it comes out, we won't get matched that round and will have to go through it all again the next month.  But the Lord continues to speak to those fears reassuring me and I continue to be a 'prisoner of hope'.  Hope has gotten me this far.  It has carried me through today and it will carry me through however many days there are between today and the day that I have my little girl in my arms.


(Explanation of 'prisoner of hope' to come in my next blog. Just a little something to whet your appetite for the next post... ;) )

Family

My family is a little crazy. Come on all of you out there reading this right now that are in my family- you know it is true.  ;)  What I mean by crazy is that we are one great big bunch of blended-ness.  I have half siblings and step siblings, moms and step-moms, brothers that used to be step brothers that aren’t anymore but are still my brother.  You get the idea.  Our connections to each other seem complicated and strange and yet we are family.  What I cherish about this craziness is the way it has helped shape my view of family and the way it has made adoption such a natural thing for me. 

You see, in my family, we don’t define family solely based on ‘blood’.  Just because my sister is technically my ‘half-sister’ doesn’t make her one bit less my sister.  My in-laws aren’t just my in-laws.  To me they are my mom, my dad, my brothers and my sister.  I am blessed to have three moms.  A mother who gave me life and nurtured me through my growing years kissing my owies and tucking me in at night.  A step mom who has loved me well and is so good at speaking encouragement into my life.  And a mother in law who makes me feel as loved and supported as the rest of her children. 

In my family, we know that it isn’t just having the same DNA that makes us belong together.  It is love.  It is choosing to support and encourage and be connected to one another no matter what.  Isn’t that really how each family starts anyways?  M and I aren’t blood related (That would be a serious problem after all ;) ).  But we are family.  We chose to blend our lives together and create one family out of two.  God brought us together and we choose to stay together. 

And this is where adoption gets really sweet for me.  Because my family is the way it is, I have no fears of not loving my daughter the same as I do my biological children.  Why would I?  She is my daughter.  Oh, I know that she will not share our DNA.  Heck, she won’t even share our race, but it doesn’t make her any less my daughter.  God may have brought us together in a ‘non-traditional’ way but He brought us together as family. 

I also have no fear of my family not accepting her or feeling like she isn’t ‘real’ family.  Why would they?  There is very little about us as a family that is ‘traditional’ anyways.  We are family because we are family no matter how we came to be. 

Our daughter will be a Burton and a Nelson (that includes the Wagner and Ceran side too!) as much as our other two.  She will have another heritage from China that we honor and are grateful for as well-  A birth family that chose life for her even when they could not be the ones to share it with her.  But she will learn from the Burton’s to enjoy teasing and ping pong and to fight for the last scoop of corn casserole at holiday meals.  She will learn from the Nelson’s to be the first to say ‘I love you more than you can ever say’, to be blessed to be spoiled by THREE grandma’s, Nana, Mimi and Grammy and to love Ohio State football. 

But the most important thing that she will learn from all the grandma’s and grandpa’s and aunt’s and uncle’s and cousins that she is being adopted into is that she is family.  Not because she is blood, but because she is loved.  

He will quiet you with His love

I think one of the hardest parts of this wait is knowing that my little girl is half way around the world and I have no idea how she is doing.  Is she sick? Is she being held?  Does someone love her and is teaching her how to be loved?  Is she lonely? Is she hurt? Is she hungry?  There are so many hard stories that come out of the conditions of orphanages in China and the experiences of the children living there.

To be fair, there are a lot of amazing orphanages, as well, with nannies that love on the babies and care for them well.  But that is not where fear takes us, is it?  In those moments that I give fear too much room in my heart, I wonder, what if she is not in one of those good orphanages?  What if she is lying all day in a crib made of wooden boards as I have heard of?  What if the only interaction she has with people in a whole day is the quick feedings and changings and is left to herself the rest of the time?  What if she has already learned not to cry out for her needs because she knows that no one will come?  Even with the best of intentions, how can a few nannies who are given charge of so many little ones give the love and care that a baby should have?  They can't snuggle her and give her extra love when she doesn't feel good because there are so many other babies to take care of as well.

These are the places I go to when fear gets a hold of me.  All of those things very well might be 'true' for my daughter right now- but they are not Truth.  The truth is, she is a daughter of a God who cares deeply for her.  The truth is, she has a family that she doesn't even know about yet that loves her and is praying for her before they have even met her.  The truth is, that even before her mommy can be there to hold her, she has a Father that has never let her go.

As I have struggled through some of these fears lately, God has reminded me of these truths.  He has reassured me with Zephaniah 3:17 reminding me that this is His heart for His child in China, "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

So before I can be with her, God is with her and He is making a way to 'save' her and give her a family.  Though I fear she is lonely and unloved, God reminds me that He takes great delight in her.  Though I fear she might be afraid with no one to calm her, God reminds me that he will quiet her with His love.  And though I long to hold her at night and sing to her as she falls asleep, God reminds me that until I can, He will be rejoicing over her with His singing.

So, in light of all that Truth, I am trying to steer my heart towards new questions and thoughts in prayer.  Lord, what are YOU delighting about in her today? Lord, when her heart is crying out today, will YOU draw near and quiet her with your love?  What songs are YOU singing over her?  Will you sing her a song about the family that loves her and that is coming for her?

Oh, and Lord... when my heart begins to fear again, and despair in the worst, will you quiet me with your love, as well?

Sweet to the soul

So, waiting is hard.  There is a Proverb that says, "Hope deferred make the heart sick...".  I know that heartsickness.  I have hope that God will bring my little girl home.  I have hope that He is working things out even when I can't see it.  I have hope that He is paving the way even as I type this.  But it hasn't happened yet.  It has been a journey of several years of hoping in what is to come.  It can get hard to hope for so long.

Not that I have started to doubt God at all.  He promises me that, "What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do." (Isaiah 46:11)  It is just that when you are looking forward with so much of your heart to a blessing that God is giving, it gets hard to be in the wait.  You see it, you trust that it is coming, but it just isn't time yet.

How thankful I am that the second part of that Proverb says, "...but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" and later it says, "A longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul".  Oh, how I look forward to my longing being fulfilled.  I look forward to that sweetness of the soul.  To look back at what God brought has us through and to be on the other side.

I know that it isn't going to be all bubbles and lollipops once she is home.  I am sure it is going to be hard on all of us in ways that we can't even foresee.  We will have a little girl adjusting to living on the other side of the world with sights and sounds and smells and tastes that she has never experienced before.  We will have two other little ones adjusting to a new sibling that has had her life as she has known it thrown into complete chaos.  And M and I will be trying to help the three of them sort all that out while trying to keep up with the demands of everyday life.  On top of that, we will then have a little one with certain physical needs that we will have to figure out on the fly and Dr appts and then surgeries at some point, as well.

No, I know it will be hard at times.  But in the quiet of a moment, the kind that take you by surprise and make your heart pause, whether it is the first time that we feel our little girl leaning into us for comfort because she is starting to trust us, or the other two learning to protect and love their little sister that isn't blood but just as real, or the first time she calls us momma or dadda and really knows what it is to have a mamma and dadda, I know that I will feel that tree of life blooming within my heart because of God's faithfulness in fulfilling a longing.  I look forward to holding those moments in my heart and saying, "Yes, Lord, a longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul."

Hallelujah

Want to hear something funny?  Even as we were waiting for a match in the domestic program, God started stirring my heart for a special needs adoption.  I very carefully told M that if (when), I mean if (really I mean when) we adopt again, I think we should consider adopting a child with a cleft lip/palate from somewhere in Asia.  I didn't really know much about it or why I was drawn to it, just that I was.  Surprisingly, he was drawn to the idea of a cleft lip as well and REALLY drawn to Asia and we talked briefly about if we should switch programs but we were already waiting for a baby and weren't even eligible for the program at the time so we let it go.  Then, I began seeing these two adorably sweet little Asian girls with their clearly non-Asian momma at Meijer and sure enough, one of them had a repaired cleft lip.  I could help myself and was already doing research and planning an adoption that I didn't even know could possibly happen at that point.  God was preparing my heart to lay down what I thought we were moving towards to draw me to what He knew all along.  The whole journey has been like that for me.  God has been smoothing the rough edges of my heart that like to plan and take charge and make things happen- The optimist that likes to make things work one way or another.  He has been teaching me to hold things with an open hand and wait to hear His voice.  That hasn't been easy. At times, I have felt like a crazy person who doesn't know what she is doing and fears that she comes across that way to others too.  Ethiopia? Foster care? Some other International program? Domestic Infant? China?  Looking back though, God has brought me along this winding journey to teach me.  To teach me not to make something happen in my own strength, in my own timing, in my own way.  Lindsey, will you trust me if I lead you in this direction?  Will you trust me if I ask you to turn right when you think you should go left? Will you trust me if I ask you to wait?  Will you trust me if I ask you to do something hard? Will you trust me if I don't give you the answer right away?  Little by little, am learning to say, Yes, Lord, I will.

I have a tattoo on my wrist of two birds flying next to the word Hallelujah.  Many years ago, we had to journey through the first of two miscarriages. I have always wanted to be a mom but at that point after only being married for about a year, we didn't think it was time to start a family quite yet.  Surprisingly and unexpectantly we had gotten pregnant.  I was overjoyed.  This must have been God's timing since we were actually preventing it from happening at the time.  Unfortunately, I began spotting several weeks later and miscarried at 7 1/2 weeks.  The day I miscarried, God knew what I needed.  A couple of my best friends from high school were visiting and so was another youth grouper from back in the day that some of you might know as Bethany Dillion.  I decided to go ahead and get together at Jason and Heidi's house to be with everyone and let my friends love on me.  Beth had written some new songs that she sang for us that night.  One of them was Hallelujah.  God poured healing salve on my wounds that night with words that have stuck with me- with a state of heart that has stuck with me.  "Only you see the good in broken things" and especially, "Whatever's in front of me help me to say Hallelujah".  Hallelujah means a shout of joy, praise or gratitude.  What that spoke to me that night and still does powerfully enough to tattoo it on my wrist as a daily reminder is that God sees good in what we only see as broken.  And as much as my heart was hurting that night, God helped me lift my eyes to Him to see the love and healing and faithfulness that I needed in the midst brokenness to trust Him enough to still thank and praise Him for the ways He would make good come out of it.  That is how I want to live my life.  Whatever's in front of me, whether blessing or heartache, success or failure, comfort or struggle, clarity or confusion, I want to CHOOSE to say Hallelujah.  I want to CHOOSE to see God's goodness and faithfulness and trust Him to come through for me in ways that I couldn't have planned for myself.  And I trust, that like that birds that are flying next to the word Hallelujah there is a freedom that comes from choosing to praise and be thankful in any situation.  

So as I anxiously await to hear in the next couple of weeks if are going to get to see the precious face of the little girl with a cleft lip/palate that we have felt God preparing us for and calling us to before we even knew it, I am going to be reminding myself that no matter what I will thank the Lord for HIS timing and HIS plan and asking Him that 'Whatever's in front of me, help me to say Hallelujah'.

'Little by little...'

So, I am not really convinced that I am a blogger or that I am interesting or witty enough to do this thing but I am going to give it a shot. :)   At least for now.  Mostly I just want to be able to share our journey towards our little one with those that we love and that love us and that have been supporting us along the way.  So where to start?

Honestly, it goes back to the day of pig tails and dress up for me.  Even at a tender young age, God planted a seed in my heart for adoption.  I am not really sure how I came across the idea or even the reality of the plight of the orphan outside of the Lord gently whispering to my heart.  I used to tell my mom that I wasn’t going to have any kids of my own because there were so many kids out there that already needed mommy’s and daddy’s.  I was just going to adopt some of them.  (Granted, I also told her that I was going to buy my husband at the grocery store...but this adoption thing was much more profound ;) ).  I am so thankful that I was given the blessing of having my two kiddos but I am also so excited that a desire and dream that God gave me so long ago is coming true.  It feels so very surreal most of the time but it is happening.  Soon I am going to see the sweet little face of a daughter that my heart has longed for but I have yet to know a single actual detail about.  And then I will fly half way around the world in what I can only imagine will be the craziest whirl of emotions I have ever known, so that I can finally hold her and snuggle her and simultaneously mourn for what she has lost in her birth family and rejoice that we get to be part of her story of redemption.  I am thankful for a husband who has supported and shared this dream of mine and for a faithful God that is bringing my heart’s desire to fruition!

So, what has the actual process looked like for us so far and how have we gotten to this point?  Well, to make a very long and emotionally complicated story shortish…

About two and a half years ago, we were at the point that (for the sake of public blogging privacy we will call her Sis) Sis was old enough that we started talking about the next kiddo.  M wasn’t too sure that he wanted more than three and I knew without a doubt that I wanted to adopt so I figured we better make two phone calls.  One to the Dr to set up an appt for M ;) and one to the adoption agency.  We began our journey moving towards an international adoption from Ethiopia.  We actually went to the informational meeting with friends of ours that have since brought home their two sweet boys.  J  After getting some information and being about ready to commit to the program, Ethiopia hit some bumps in their adoption program and we didn’t feel comfortable moving forward with it at that time.  So began the next leg of our journey of looking into what options were open to us.  Pretty much all of the other international programs were marked off the list for various reasons- length of time in country, length of referral time, not meeting certain criteria etc.   After a lot of research and prayer, we decided to pursue the domestic infant program.  We did the required education, home study, and meetings and eventually put our profile for potential birth mothers to look at together and then began our wait.  A year after we had completed our home study and about nine months of waiting with an active profile we had been viewed by several birth mothers but not chosen.  We had to begin the process of renewing our home study at that point.  During the process, we were praying through it all and eventually felt like we were questioning whether or not we were ‘needed’ in that program.  Our hearts had always been to fill a need in the adoption world.  Four or five years ago, there was a great need for families to adopt from the African American program.  Things had really been changing though and there was a line of families waiting for a precious little one no matter the color of their skin.  As we were praying through all this, God brought up the idea of China again.  We had been greatly drawn to the Waiting Children program in China two years prior when we were looking through our options but had to rule it out because we were not yet 30 which is a program requirement.  Here we were though, two years later, M now 30 and me about to turn 30 two months from then.  We decided to look through our agencies program online again and wouldn’t you know it, at the top of the page in bright red letters were the words, “Families needed in this program!’.  Um, ok God.  We hear you.  It only took us the weekend to know we needed to do what seemed crazy (completely crazy to me who had been patiently (ok, impatiently) waiting for a baby that we would most likely have been matched with in a matter of months at that point).  We needed to close our domestic profile and start the process of switching everything over to be compliant with the China Special Needs program.  That was back in November and here we are at the beginning of April and waiting to hear word (tomorrow I am hoping!) that our dossier has been sent to China.  If we can get logged into their system in time, we will get matched at the end of this month and be receiving the most important email of our lives- A picture and information about our sweet little girl that we have been waiting and praying for for oh so long now.  I can barely keep my heart from beating out of my chest when I think about that email.  Ahhh! 

We can’t thank all of you enough who have been on this journey with us for the support and love you have given us that have gotten us to this point.  It has been such a crazy journey with unexpected twists and turns but God has grown us and stretched us in such good ways.  He is like that, you know.  We want what we want when we want it and yet He knows…  He knows when it is time.  He knows what it looks like and what is right and how it will happen if only we will trust.  Trust Him.  Trust His timing. Trust His faithfulness.  Trust His goodness.  I can’t help but think of something that God showed me through Exodus during this time of waiting.  He is talking to the nation of Israel and promising them that He is sending an angel out ahead of them to guard them along the way and to bring them to the place that He has prepared for them.  He promises that He is going to drive out the nations of the land that He is giving to them but then He tells them, “But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you.  Little by little, I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land”. (Exodus 23: 29-30)  God knows us.  He knows what work we need done in our hearts before we are fully ready to receive the blessing He has prepared for us.  These past several years have made my heart weary of waiting and not knowing and yet they have been rich in growing my trust of God’s timing and goodness and faithfulness.  He has spoken truth and encouragement over me time and time again just when I needed it.  He has grown my faith in prayer as I have watched M’s heart being drawn into desiring and being ready for the adoption as much as I am (ok, maybe not as much as this crazy momma but waaaay more than he has been in the past).  And He has grown my ability to trust Him with the unknown and the uncontrollable and the uncomfortable.  Some spiritual disciplines and skills that I might very will need once we get Baby Girl home.  ‘Little by little’ He has been preparing our hearts to take possession of this priceless gift.  ‘Little by little’ He has been increasing us in ways that we would have been lacking if we hadn’t allowed the time for it.  “Little by little”…we are here.