Hallelujah

Want to hear something funny?  Even as we were waiting for a match in the domestic program, God started stirring my heart for a special needs adoption.  I very carefully told M that if (when), I mean if (really I mean when) we adopt again, I think we should consider adopting a child with a cleft lip/palate from somewhere in Asia.  I didn't really know much about it or why I was drawn to it, just that I was.  Surprisingly, he was drawn to the idea of a cleft lip as well and REALLY drawn to Asia and we talked briefly about if we should switch programs but we were already waiting for a baby and weren't even eligible for the program at the time so we let it go.  Then, I began seeing these two adorably sweet little Asian girls with their clearly non-Asian momma at Meijer and sure enough, one of them had a repaired cleft lip.  I could help myself and was already doing research and planning an adoption that I didn't even know could possibly happen at that point.  God was preparing my heart to lay down what I thought we were moving towards to draw me to what He knew all along.  The whole journey has been like that for me.  God has been smoothing the rough edges of my heart that like to plan and take charge and make things happen- The optimist that likes to make things work one way or another.  He has been teaching me to hold things with an open hand and wait to hear His voice.  That hasn't been easy. At times, I have felt like a crazy person who doesn't know what she is doing and fears that she comes across that way to others too.  Ethiopia? Foster care? Some other International program? Domestic Infant? China?  Looking back though, God has brought me along this winding journey to teach me.  To teach me not to make something happen in my own strength, in my own timing, in my own way.  Lindsey, will you trust me if I lead you in this direction?  Will you trust me if I ask you to turn right when you think you should go left? Will you trust me if I ask you to wait?  Will you trust me if I ask you to do something hard? Will you trust me if I don't give you the answer right away?  Little by little, am learning to say, Yes, Lord, I will.

I have a tattoo on my wrist of two birds flying next to the word Hallelujah.  Many years ago, we had to journey through the first of two miscarriages. I have always wanted to be a mom but at that point after only being married for about a year, we didn't think it was time to start a family quite yet.  Surprisingly and unexpectantly we had gotten pregnant.  I was overjoyed.  This must have been God's timing since we were actually preventing it from happening at the time.  Unfortunately, I began spotting several weeks later and miscarried at 7 1/2 weeks.  The day I miscarried, God knew what I needed.  A couple of my best friends from high school were visiting and so was another youth grouper from back in the day that some of you might know as Bethany Dillion.  I decided to go ahead and get together at Jason and Heidi's house to be with everyone and let my friends love on me.  Beth had written some new songs that she sang for us that night.  One of them was Hallelujah.  God poured healing salve on my wounds that night with words that have stuck with me- with a state of heart that has stuck with me.  "Only you see the good in broken things" and especially, "Whatever's in front of me help me to say Hallelujah".  Hallelujah means a shout of joy, praise or gratitude.  What that spoke to me that night and still does powerfully enough to tattoo it on my wrist as a daily reminder is that God sees good in what we only see as broken.  And as much as my heart was hurting that night, God helped me lift my eyes to Him to see the love and healing and faithfulness that I needed in the midst brokenness to trust Him enough to still thank and praise Him for the ways He would make good come out of it.  That is how I want to live my life.  Whatever's in front of me, whether blessing or heartache, success or failure, comfort or struggle, clarity or confusion, I want to CHOOSE to say Hallelujah.  I want to CHOOSE to see God's goodness and faithfulness and trust Him to come through for me in ways that I couldn't have planned for myself.  And I trust, that like that birds that are flying next to the word Hallelujah there is a freedom that comes from choosing to praise and be thankful in any situation.  

So as I anxiously await to hear in the next couple of weeks if are going to get to see the precious face of the little girl with a cleft lip/palate that we have felt God preparing us for and calling us to before we even knew it, I am going to be reminding myself that no matter what I will thank the Lord for HIS timing and HIS plan and asking Him that 'Whatever's in front of me, help me to say Hallelujah'.