Our beautiful mess

Adoption is hard.  Even when things are going really well, and they are, throwing a toddler into the mix can make life a little crazy for awhile.  There are a lot of days that I feel like I am in 'newborn' mode.  Normal adjusting to adding to the family.  Learning how to split time and energy and attention into three instead of two.  Full on 'mommy mode' and losing 'Lindsey' in a lot of ways for awhile.  Having a new little one needing so much time and attention and well, me.  But in other ways, it is so so much more complicated than adding a newborn.  A newborn doesn't come to you with a past.  It doesn't come to you having spent 18 mths of its life living with a one set of rules and expectations and lifestyles and then being uprooted from that for two months of learning a whole new set of rules and expectations and lifestyle only to be COMPLETELY uprooted yet again to learn even more rules and expectations and lifestyles.  That is a whole lot of change for a little one in such a short amount of time.

The other thing about adopting a toddler is that you are constantly wondering if issues and quirks are simply personality or part of the adjustment.  Noah and Mali were not busy and into things quite the same way Ellie is.  Is that because she is just wired to be more curious and independent and non-inhibited or is it because she has a new found freedom to explore the way she wants and about a bazillion new things to explore? Or a combination of both?  When she wakes up crying from a nap in a way that you have never heard her cry before is it because she is finally starting to grieve or is it because she has an ear ache or new tooth coming in or just overly tired?  When she reacts a certain way to seeing Marcus wrestling with me or the kids is it because she isn't sure if we are being hurt and she has seen something like that before or is she just trying to figure out what we silly folks are doing?

In these days of transition, my emotions are a mess, my brain is a mess and my house is a MESS!  I turn around and see a pile of things here and turn the other way to see a pile of things there.  It is so hard for me right now to feel like the outward appearance of my home so vulnerably shows the inward mess of my mind.  I feel buried in 'stuff' and just don't have the time or energy to sort through it right now.  I am too busy teaching a little girl who was once an orphan how to be part of a family.

 I am teaching her that it is not ok to pull her sister's hair.  I am teaching her that the toilet brush is not also a hair brush.  I am teaching her how to be gentle.  I am teaching her that it is not ok to bring me my iPad while I am in the shower.  I am teaching her how to be held and snuggled when her mommy sings to her before bed.  I am teaching her how to pray.  I am teaching her how to give a hug.  I am teaching her how to use a fork.  I am teaching her how to listen and how to communicate.  I am teaching her how to be loved by a forever family.

That takes a lot of physical and emotional work and for now, I need to be ok with just focusing on that.  I need to be ok with not being perfect.  I need to be ok with letting things just be what they are right now.  I need to give myself a little extra grace and to remind myself that there is room and time for us all to adjust and find our new 'normal'.  I need to take a step back from it from time to time to be able to really see how well it is going and to remind myself that no matter how upside down our lives feel right now, it is worth every single second and every single mess to have this sweet girl in our family.

For now, we are surviving and hopefully, will even soon be thriving in the midst of this beautiful mess.