Goodbye

As I sit here in the quiet of nap time, the day after our visit to Ezra's orphanage and foster home, I am feeling just a little less raw about it all and hope that I can finally find the words (at least some of the words) to reflect on our time there in a way that preserves it all for him to cherish (or mourn) in the future.

We started our visit in Ezra's classroom.  At his orphanage, kids under 3 live in a 'classroom'.  This means that their beds are all together in the same area as their play room etc.  (We didn't get to see this room because we all had kids 3+.)  At age three (or thereabouts since Ezra transitioned when he was 2 1/2) they move into an apartment on campus with a foster family.  Each family has about 5-6 kids there at a time.  During the day, these older kids take a little trolley bus back over to the school building to attend 'kindergarten'.  As we made our way up towards their classroom, Ezra was perfectly at ease strutting through the hallway like he owned the place.  

He was the first one through the door when we got there and it was like he was a little celebrity.  :)  The teachers all surrounded him hugging him and taking his picture.  So cute!  I think he was quite popular among his ayi's.  :)

I definitely felt bad for the teachers and the other kids in the room because with our three families descending on them, it basically threw everything into chaos.  All the sweet teachers wanted to get one last picture with Ezra which was very sweet.  There was one little boy that simply broke my heart though.  He kept tugging on my hands wanting me to pick him up or take him with us too.  I don't know exactly what he was feeling in that moment but I felt so helpless when he started sobbing.  I am praying for his little heart and praying that his family finds him soon.

One of Ezra's foster sisters

This woman was Ezra's favorite teacher.  She was in all the pics that we saw of him before coming and was as sweet in person as I imagined from seeing her picture.  You could tell that she loved my boy very much and is really going to miss him.  I am not sure if she was supposed to or not but she asked me for my email and I was MORE than happy to give it to her.  I really hope she keeps in touch with us!!!

The classroom where he spent his days

After the craziness of the classroom, it was time to take a walk across campus to the apartment buildings.  I can't say enough good things about Hefei Social Welfare Institute.  The government in this province has poured a lot of money into this place and it really makes such a huge difference for the kids here.  The campus that they are on now is only four years old and very nice.  One Sky (nonprofit organization which is a sister program to Half the Sky) has come in and done training and support on bonding and attachment and what a big difference foster homes make for kids.  As part of the program, we even got a 'Life Book' for Ezra which is basically like a baby book documenting his life so far complete with a ton of pictures.  I can't tell you what a treasure that is to have!

Walking to the apartments

When we got up to where Ezra's apartment was, the door was open and as soon as he saw his foster mama, he went running straight into her arms and wrapped her up.  Her face was pure joy and it was a moment that will be etched into my heart forever.

Ezra was completely at home jumping around in the living room of their apartment.  His foster mom then had him help take us on a little tour and show us his room.

Living room

Dining room area with bathroom off to left


While we were in his room, we had the guide ask his foster mom if there were any special stories she wanted to share with us.  She told us that he was her favorite child and that she loved him very much.  She said that he always wanted to be close by her and wanted her to himself.  I can definitely see this in him in the ways that he leans into me, holds onto my hands and generally just melts me with his sweet snuggly-ness.  However, he might have a bit of a rude awakening when we get home and he has to share me with three other siblings!  So far, he doesn't really have a great reaction to other kids which makes me wonder how it is going to go with the other kiddos when we first get home.  I am definitely praying about that.

Showing us his bed

After our conversation in the bedroom, we went back out to take a few pictures when Ezra went over to their snack bowl asking for something.  She basically gave him everything he wanted and in the end, dumped the entire thing into a bag for him.  Then she went over to some other tins and started giving him other treats to take too.  We felt bad for her emptying out their snacks and really didn't want to take all their treats, but my mama heart held me back understanding that this was one last thing she could do for him.  If I were her, I would want to give him any last parting gifts as well and I just couldn't deny her that.

Treats from mama


After this, we made our way into the living room to take some pictures together.  

Two mama's and so much love

And then came the beautiful but truly heart wrenching moment.  As he was sitting on her lap, I could tell that she was telling him that it was time to go with his new 'mama' and 'baba'.  He kept shaking his head and saying no.  It made me sad but of course I understood because he is three years old and we are strangers and this woman is his source of comfort and love.  There is no way he should want to walk away from that.  She started gently talking to him.  I so desperately wish I knew what she was saying to him.  I know it had something to do with 'America' and mama and baba.  I have to imagine it was her way of giving him permission to let go and embrace his new forever.  That is was ok to move forward.  To be brave and that everything would be ok.  After she was through, her eyes glistening with tears but the same sweet smile on her face, he came to me and that was that.  It seemed to be the closure his little heart needed to move on.  Yes, I wish I knew what she said but at the same time, it was their moment together.  Their special goodbye that was shared between their two hearts only and that is something even more precious.   I am still emotional thinking about it and hope that I can carry the rawness of those moments to share with him when he is older.

We walked over to the door with Ezra in my arms and stood together.  I was willing my heart to somehow reach out to hers across the language barrier to let her know how much her love for our boy means to me.  To let her know that she will not be forgotten.  To assure her that this boy that has been part of her heart is walking into a family so full of love that he won't know what to do with it at first!  That he will be loved and cherished and safe forever.  All I could do was wrap the three of us in a hug to last us a life time and say 'thank you'.  Ezra gave her one final kiss and she smiled to try to keep back the tears but then had to quickly walk away before she gave herself away. It was all too much.  To feel the weight of that goodbye.  To know what Ezra was losing for the sake of gaining a forever.  How can you ever make sense of loss?  Of heartbreak?  Of goodbye? All we can do is trust in the ever loving kindness of our Father to help redeem the broken- to make beauty from the ashes.  

I walked down a few flight of stairs with my boy to find a quiet place to try to gather myself.  All those emotions, all the love, all the loss came spilling out.  I grieved for what my boy had lost and was now losing.  I grieved for him since he didn't know to grieve the bigness of this moment in his life.  How is he to understand that that goodbye will most likely be forever?  How is he to know that that moment closed a chapter in his life.  New beginnings are beautiful but beginnings come from endings and that has to be recognized.  

The emotions and moments of yesterday are still so very raw for me.  I am still trying to process it all as much as I can in the craziness of the trip.  I want to wrap it all up and hold it tight so someday, when he is ready, we can tell him his story.  A story of loss and love and redemption and healing.  A story of Hope that ends with him seeing that the God of the universe had a plan for His life. When he came to the chapters of loss, the Lord redeemed with love. It is only our privilege as a family to be a part of that story as we stepped out in faith and received blessing after blessing in return.