Nervous Anticipation

I sit here listening to the sounds of traffic below (you would really think that 5 star hotels would have better sound proofing ;)) feeling so many different feelings.  We are an hour away from leaving to finally meet our boy.  Up until now, he has been a series of pictures and words on the pages of a file to us.  No, that is not totally true.  That is the literal version of what he has been but to my mama heart, he has been more.  I can't describe how it is that a heart can love someone they have never met.  And I do not go into adoption with the same innocent naivety that I did with Ellie.  This time I understand much more clearly that while I have loved him from afar, we are about to transition into something much more organic and fluid and bittersweet.  We have to get to know each other for the first time.   Unlike when you have a baby, I can't take for granted the fact that my child will like me or cry out for me or even want me at first.  We are strangers and yet we are about to become family.  We make the choice to love before we have even met, but then we have to choose love everyday as we figure out how all the pieces of our hearts fit together in this new way.  Adoption is beautiful in so many, many ways but it comes with a broken weightiness as well.  I am praying for the Lord's hand to cover us and for His grace to be plentiful as we start this journey together.

This morning I couldn't help but be thinking and praying for Ezra's foster mom as well.  From what I know, he has been with her for over a year at least.  What is she feeling as she tucked him in for the last time last night?  As she made him breakfast for the last time this morning?  Did she make all of his favorite things?  Is she holding him just a few seconds longer with each hug?  I haven't been a foster mom before so I can only imagine what she is experiencing today.  To have poured in so much love and care and now she has to say goodbye.  I know some of you sweet friends out there that do or have done foster care know how she is feeling and I am asking that you especially pray for her today.  You know just what her heart needs to be comforted and encouraged today.  I am looking forward to meeting her tomorrow and thanking her for loving our boy.

My thoughts flow naturally from Ezra's foster mom to his birth mom.  It is very likely that somewhere nearby in this city she is going about her morning. I can only imagine that she thinks of her son often and wonders how he is.   I am praying that somehow the Lord gives her a peace today to help her know that today her boy has found his forever.  That her heart can find rest knowing that even though the brokenness of this world has separated her from her son, he will now have the love of a mama and baba that not only take him as their own, but also honor her place in his life.  She is forever a part of him, forever a part of us.  Just as I often pray for Ellie's birth family, I pray that they will come to know Jesus and that if we are never all brought back together in this life, that we will have eternity together.  Yes, today I am praying for peace and rest for her.

Ah.  So many emotions this morning.  So much nervous anticipation.  Will he like us?  Will he be scared?  How hard will he grieve?  What foods does he like?  What makes him laugh?  What scares him?  How will we know when he has to use the bathroom?  Haha!  The language barrier alone is enough to make this mama nervous.  Lord, be close to us this morning and the days following.  Work a miracle in his little heart to somehow know that he is safe, that he is loved, that he is family.

Now if you will excuse me, it is finally time for me to go squeeze my boy....